I am apologizing to anyone upfront who reads this post I am suffering from blogger buildup and am about to unload an avalanche of emotion.  You have been warned.  Feeling at the end of my proverbial rope here as I change my work schedule so I can be off today to take the hubby to a clinic where he can see an actual psychiatric doctor.  He isn't going now.  I KNOW his nerves cause the physical symptoms but I just wanna shake him and scream at him.  A few weeks back we spent a night in ER where he admitted himself to psych center for a couple of days and I thought that was getting us on the road to some help but he is curling up under the covers and avoiding everything.  For one of the few times in my life I admitted I was dealing with too much and went to my boss and asked to be removed from a huge project,that was my idea anyway, because I am just so overwhelmed.  I thank God I work for a wonderful company and have management over me that is understanding of my situation and willing to work with me. Found out my stepson is starting to show same symptoms as his father and talking of suicide.  Only with him it is so much harder because he is so far away from us I can't just sit and talk with him like I need to.  As much as I appreciate the fact my sister has been letting us live in her house all this time I want to have my own place and need to get my son in an environment that has a little less chiefs running things.  Now he is starting to break away from me in that teenager way and I have to stop myself from depending on him for validaton that I am still capable of caring for someone.  I find myself sitting in the car at the end of the workday and wanting to go anywhere else in the world but home.  Learning to surround myself with positive people at work and focusing on the blessings in my life but when I am alone,in the car,bathroom,wherever everything hits me and I just lose it.  I know there are support groups out there and I should look into that but I don't know if thats my style or not.  This forum here has been my venting tactic but obviously I need to do this a little more often.  Oh and I just have to throw out there Pumpkin Pie Poptarts are one of the smartest snacks invented they are freakin awesome.  I feel the backlog of emotions leaving now and I can get on with the rest of my day with some amount of peace now.  whew!

Hillbilly Television

Gotta vent, gotta vent before I burst.  Just walked in the house and the television was on so as I am cleaning up I am listening to an Entertainment News show discussing the string of Hillbilly reality shows popping up.  First let me state for the record, my opinion on "reality shows".  The networks and society in general are doing a great disservice to the people they put on these shows labeled "reality". Shows such as Top Chef or Project Runway even American Idol are at least competitions looking to showcase and possibly exploit an individuals talents. TALENT. BUT the housewives,teen moms,dance moms, Jersey people,etc., they are being enabled and really given a false sense of importance with the attention they receive for doing nothing more than being idots,douchebags,bad parents,and sometimes just good people who have made poor choices.  Not only do we do these people no favors by lifting them up to celebrity status we create a new generation of people who think this is the way to live and behave.  I have felt this way from day one and that is my opinion I am aware I live in a country where it may not be the majority opinion.  Now the next wave of shows out there labeled Hillbilly T.V.  One person was complaining that these people are being made fun of for their crude and unsofisticated ways and only have shows so they can be mocked.  Now wait a minute as opposed to who?  Snookie,Bethany, any of the other reality goofballs that should be banned from any type of media until they can display an actual talent or skill.  Don't tell me anyone out there is actually taking cues from anyone on these shows and using them as a moral compass to live their life by.  It's all entertainment and a joke and I feel like if the Basketball Wives can have a show well then so can the Gator Boys or the Wildman.  At least it seems there is a little more authenticity with these characters.  The exception (and I have never watched an episode of this show I only know what I have seen in promos or heard around the watercooler) but the Honey Boo Boos need to stop.  In a moral society it would NEVER be right to glamourize stupidity but again we are what we are.  BUT pulling an innocent child into this circus should be off limits and as much as the blame lies on a mother who would exploit her child as this woman does it also lies with the network who is handing over a paycheck and televising this car crash.   Then we are not just mocking knowing willing adults in this game we are laughing at a little girl who is growing up to be a joke and nothing more.  What does that say about us, really.  

First day of school

Today was such an wonderful, peaceful, almost theraputic day.  Today was the first day of school for kids in our area who did not start last week or yesterday and I am lovin it.  As any typical mom I was worried but my son was in good hands with my mom waking him up and getting him off to school since I had to work.  We had everything prepared last night so I wasn't scrambling in the morning to get anything done.  Work was even better though just for the fact that I was able to begin the after school shopping clean up and start getting my departments back in shape.  A lot of tedious tasks today but things that were long overdue.  I am looking at a stack of papers all with MY name on them because we know the biggest joke is that first day of school homework is for parents not the kids.  I am trying to determine if  I go to bed now will I get up in time to fill out all of these papers.  I know in all honesty NO i will be too tired in the morning but I am so tired I really dont care.  I really was in total disbelief to find out my little angel who worked his butt off this summer to make up his failed geography class will get to spend another year with the teacher who failed him.  She moved up a grade along with him.  Laugh Out Loud funny.  I told him it's a test of if he learned any lessons from last year.  I also told him I expect him to be the ideal student so if there are any problems I will be able to have his back completely.  So many moms out there (and some dads) shedding a tear or two over there babies starting their first day of school.  I remember it so clearly.  As a seasoned veteran of back to schools I can say I did savor every moment of it.  I was always accutely aware of how quickly it all passes by and from the first day I walked my kids across the street to the school for kindergarten and second grade to today with my baby boy going into 8th grade I wouldn't trade any of those days.  Before I know it my daughter will be sending her own baby girl off to school for the first time and the cycle continues.  So many memories of doing crafts together in the fall on Sundays during football time.  Trips to the library to pick out books for reports.  Saturday night movie night with homemade pizza and popcorn.  Shopping for winter coats in September.  As I worked on the salesfloor today I saw so many parents rushing,snapping,yelling ,trying to talk on their phones about trivial things as their children fought for their attention.  Parents in such a hurry to get things done they never really looked up and just soaked it all in.  Last night after getting my son's hair cut he and I stopped at Subway for him to have dinner.  After paying for his sandwich we started to head out but I asked him if he wanted to sit in Subway and eat.  So much quieter than home with no t.v. to distract him and much better than eating in the car on the way home.  It was nice just the two of us relaxing.   Now that I have yawned for the fifth time in 5 minutes I have just answered my question.  Sleep now papers later.  Oh yes fall is the season of procrastination.

Am I Setting Myself Up?

I will admit I have my girly girl moments.  Sometimes more than others.  The past few days I have been excessively affectionate with my hubby and it wasn't till today that I realized it was a result of having good hair days the past few days.  So stupid how something so trivial can change the direction my day takes but it does.  As a woman when I feel sexier I dress the part and pay a little more attention to my appearance...don't we all?  Here is my worry.  As I sit here typing with my nails painted a fresh shade of Sonic Boom pink and looking so nice it occurs to me what makes me revert to my old ways of showing up for work with no makeup on,chipped nail polish, not quite right ponytail...WORK.  And I had forgotten the golden rule of Sunday (tomorrow) that I am one of the few members of any kind of management at work.  So where I might normally spend my day working on reports,counting merchandise,sitting in meetings,even prettying up my department, tomorrow I will be doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING including processing and working freight. So when I leave the building at 4pm half of my nail polish will be left behind and my eyeliner will have me looking like an outcast from KISS and my hair...well lets just say they don't make enough product to keep my hair from looking like Tippi Hedren after the birds got ahold of her.  A little voice is telling me to just take the nail polish off now and hide the make-up so I am not tempted in the morning but I want my girly girl moment.  I want to look pretty for even just a little bit.  Feels so superficial but then we are all a little I think.  I just know the day I wear long sleeves the a/c goes out.  If I bring an umbrella it won't rain if I forget my umbrella it surely will rain and if I dress up I am gonna be working my ass off tomorrow.  On a totally other subject here after forcing husband to watch Hunger Games with me this afternoon I was informed I am no longer allowed to complain about the "depressing" subject matter that he spends his nights watching.  Pretty much anything on history or military channel.  So he gets a one week free pass then I am nagging away again.  Depressing fiction still not as bad as actual sad horrible stuff.  Eight people in this house and five have been stricken with cold/flu.  I am pretty much walking around wrapped in bubble wrap and spraying lysol on anything I touch.  There is a symphony of coughing going on between three of the stricken and it is a little spooky to hear.  I do not wish to join this chorus.  So off to bed I have a day of fun ahead of me with school starting in a few days.  YAY back to school. 

Are you kidding me?

Last night I believe I expressed a few concerns about the public school system down here and it's affect on my son....Hahaha I have to share this.  My son spent the majority of last school year butting heads with one of his teachers.  It was Geography and that is a subject that he has never gotten less than an A in.  So when he started bringing home reports that he was on the verge of failing the class I asked him about it.  His reply was the teacher didn't like him and was giving him a hard time.  In the past I would have been making an appointment for a conference and sorting this out but last year we decided to something new and let my son work out his differences with the adults around him as well as his peers.  I know my son is no angel and knew he was probably equally to blame for whatever the problem was between him and the teacher.  Let me say our experiment failed and he failed the first semester of Geography.  I wasn't too worried it's only middle school...no high school credits involved...and all of his other classes he excelled in.  How surprised was I this June when along with a final report card for the year which was A's B's and one C I also received  a notice my son was being held back in 7th grade for the year. SERIOUSLY!?  So we spent the summer doing online classes to get the credit for Geography.  It took about 2 weeks from date of letter to actually get him in an online class.  So he got started late.  As much as I would love to say he breezed through this class he made me want to rip out every hair on my head.  Did I mention my son also has the attention span of a gnat and likes to think of himself as a class clown only he was the only one in this particular class room of our dining room.  I had the deadline of getting his paperwork into his school by August 17th so he could be placed in an 8th grade class.  When I received his class assignment a week ago (before he finished his summer school) I panicked a little.  Time was running out and he had to finish this.  Monday the 13th was the day he had to study all day and call his teacher to take his final exam.  When I walked in the door Monday he was on YOU TUBE and had studied but forgot to call teacher.  After my head exploded and I pieced it all back together again he got his teacher on the phone and proceeded to pace through the house for 20 minutes as he did his final oral exam.  COMPLETE...passed he was through. I could breath.  I called the school yesterday to speak with a counselor about his being placed in an 8th grade class was told to call back today.  Yesterday evening my fatther brings in the mail and in it is a letter from the school.  Oh boy.  Here is where the ARE YOU KIDDING ME? moment comes in.  I open it up and it states how my son was being retained to 7th grade for failing the semester of Geography then is a second paragraph stating that after a review of his case he was going to be promoted to 8th grade anyway. HUH? This letter which I just received August15th was dated August 7th.  I guess I should be happy it now stands that he did pass World Geography first semester 7th grade and with a B no less.... I'm still having a hard time grasping this that this decision could not have been reached earlier.  I feel cheated out of a summer.  I know this was a valuable life lesson and all for him and myself but with the new school year only 5 days away I am a little bummed now.  Have I mentioned how much I dislike the public school systems down here.

As beautiful as the morning began the night is filled with thunder and flashes of lightning and the sound of rain is lulling everyone into a cozy sleep.  The dog is hiding under the table at my feet(big chicken) and I am sure as soon as my son walks in the door he will be glued to the window looking for the lightning to strike.  Today was all about getting stuff done and I was on fire today but ready to curl up under the cool sheets myself now.  I have discovered the yumminess of roasting red and orange peppers(we always have plenty on hand) and tonight made a thai inspired red pepper sauce with whole wheat pasta.  Not bad for first attempt.  School starts in another week here and I am not so sure I am excited about it as I have been in the past.  My feelings on public schools are so conflicted.  I grew up the "black sheep" in the family and followed my own drummer as far as my appearance and music and overall beliefs. My parents though not immediately but eventually were amazing in letting my express myself and search for myself.  Not trying to fit me into any mold of what they wanted for a daughter.  I am that way with my son but it seems the schools are so narrow minded and unaccepting of anyone somewhat different I am afraid he is having that creativity squashed by the people he ends up spending more time with during the week anyway.  I remember George Carlin in one of his later shows talking about how the whole school system trys to force our kids to conform and comply and turns them into drones and I do really believe a lot of that.  It really just comes down to wanting your kids to be happy and thrive and wanting to support them no matter what and when so many people think they need to have a hand in others lives you just have to stop and yell BACK OFF I'm the parent I will handle this.  Funny thing is I swore my child would grown up surrounded by art and culture and I would not try to put him into a cookie cutter mold but of course that didn't quite work out that way.  I have managed to instill a love of all music in him and just today he surprised me when a song by Steve Miller Band came on the radio he not only recognized the sound and could name the band he named several of their songs.  This is his last year of middle school I feel I really need to step it up as a parent and be better than I have been in past. 

Good morning World,
Just watched the sunrise and it doesnt get any more relaxing than this.  Don't get me wrong there are a billion things racing through my head right now but I am holding it all back behind a velvet rope and all I see is the perfect mixture of baby blues and peach in the sky.  The curtain of humidity has not yet fallen on us so it is one of those mornings anything is possible.  Today hopefully we find out if we will be able to get some kind of medical coverage for my husband and then some help...real help.  If ever I was holding onto him with two hands trying to keep him off the proverbial ledge it is now.  He hit that serious low after losing his father that I expected would blindside him.  Of course to compensate he overmedicated a little and now with over a week until he can refill prescriptions the idea of him being on no meds that long scares the hell out of me.  He needs psychiatric help...period...end of story but I am afraid if we get the run around much longer he will not make it.  For the first time in my life I understand (not saying condone) but understand the "nutjobs" out there who feel like they have nothing to lose.  If those people don't have someone fighting for them trying to keep their head above water they can be lost so easily.  We had a rocky night the other night and we didn't speak for most of yesterday then something big happened at work for me and I found myself in the ladies room letting the tears flow because I realized for a few moments I forgot about what we are dealing with at home and now I am in charge of this HUGE project and how am I going to do this.  I REALLY hate self doubt.  It is so defeating and I follow the yoda philosophy of fear leading to all other bad things.   I am trying to work through fears.  Then I wanted to share this news with someone when I came home but I wasn't talking to hubby so had to wait for my sis.  She is my lifeline but not in that holding me up way...more like when I was six and she taught me to swim by pushing me in the deep end of the pool and saying,"paddle dummy!".  She lives by the SUCK IT UP code and acts as if she is hard as nails.  I'm her sis I know the truth but there is no sympathy from her about anything.  So before I face any obstacles today I am enjoying these few moments of peace when I can pretend things are all good and everybody is happy and well.  Don is always telling me I have such a positive sunny outlook on things but sometimes I wonder if I really do or if I am forced to be that way.  When you live with someone who sees nothing but dark clouds you have to become the one who sees nothing but the silver linings.  Just every now and then it would be nice to be with someone who wakes up happy.  Who enjoys the mornings...the sunrise the way I do.  Time to quit dreaming and get some things done around here today.  Keeping my fingers crossed all goes well but if not we just have to try another route I guess. 

No Such Thing As A Day Off

I have concluded that I am not allowed to just stay home for one day and relax and I think now that I have acknowledged that things will run a little smoother.  Last night was up till about 1 am talking to hubby. We have not really had a conversation in non-text form since he arrived in Pittsburgh Saturday.  As we talked our son was in my room with me. We had been playing Rockband on the xbox and once he wore me out talked me into letting him watch old Christopher Lee Dracula on dvd also in my room.  So needless to say he crashed in my bed listening to his father and me exchange I miss yous.  What he also did was leave his bedroom door open, during a thunderstorm,with one very scared dog in the house.  So when he went into his room to get a clean change of clothes I should not have been surprised when he yelled ,"MOM THE DOG PEEED IN MY ROOM!!!" Did I mention he has hardwood floors in his room and had about four of his six video game systems on the floor in the floodzone.  I didn't realize the dog had a ten gallon bladder.  Six towels,half a bottle of Simple Green, half a roll of paper towels, and eight washclothes later his room is cleaner than it has been in months.  I have never felt so ICKY.  So tomorrow I return to work happy to face any non urine messes ahead of me.  Rockband was great though because I can rekindle my childhood dream of playing drums and my son still only 12 astounds me with how well schooled he is in classic rock.  I get to surprise him with how well I know Lady Gaga's lyrics.  Yes I miss my husband completely but the time I get with my son not feeling like I am being pulled between the two is wonderful. 

Mourning and closure

Sorry if I ramble a little(even though I pretty much ramble all the time) but have been up since 4 a.m. this morning spending the morning taking my husband to the airport for him to fly back home to PA.  His father passed away this week and the last few days have been a blur of phone calls and emails sent and internet searches to make sure everyone who should know does know.  I am grateful that I work for a company that gives me paid time off for this but also offered to send flowers to the service.  No need since at my father-in-law's request there will be no viewing or funeral or service.  My husband will get the honor of bringing his ashes back and scattering them in the gulf since we are the only family that lives anywhere near the gulf.  I am realizing I have to make my peace with a man I really only met once but he has left his mark on my husband in ways that I have not been able to forgive up to now.  My husband made peace with him about a year ago when he last went to visit and even though not everything was said that needed to be it was good for both of them.  Well as I explained to my hubby one night he can and should forgive his father for the emotional and physical scars he carries as a reminder of his childhood but have no fond memories of the man and feel no obligation to forgive.  That I am the nurse still trying to heal his wounds after all of these years.  I have had to hear the fear in my husbands voice when he has nightmares about things related to his childhood. Worst of all I have seen the toll it has taken on the man I love trying to break away from the shadow of his father.  Watching him struggle to be a good father and husband even when he hasn't been sure of how to do that.  Now he is gone.  He died alone and he wanted no ceremony when he was gone...probably the most unselfish decision he made.  I now have to focus on the good memories my husband has shared with me about this man.  I have to remember that from what I understand he was once an innocent child growing up with a sadistic abusive father himself and he was trained to be what he turned into.  I have to be thankful that unlike so many of the males in his family my husband chose to turn away from the life of drugs,drinking,and ending up in jail usually for violent offences.  Even though he is not always the husband I thought I would be with;we are not the couple I envisioned being a part of, what we do have is special and magical and unbreakable.  It is not always easy and I recently stated to him the only thing that could ever break us apart is him giving up.  When we told each other for better or worse we really meant it wasnt for better or if things don't get too tough.  Some of our happiest memories as a family are when we were struggling the hardest with obstacles,that is when I thrive he says.  So today I put on my big girl panties and grow up a little bit more.  I forgive.  My husband is staying with his aunt and uncle that were truly surrogate parents to him as he got older and I know at their home he will find security and love and he will be free to discuss the past with others who were there and maybe have a different perspective on things.  One of his brothers is in jail and the other is living in the same run down neighborhood they grew up in working when he can.  I am hoping he comes home with an appreciation of how far he really has come in life. 

Say no to Elitist Crap

 Let me start out by saying I hope everyone had a good and safe 4th of July last week.  I would like to say it was memorable but really it was just relaxing.  Due to monetary restrictions(I'm broke) we decided not to be that house that lights up the whole neighborhood with their own fireworks display. That much better since I spend every year worrying that although my son is very closely supervised by my husband they are gonna blows themselves to bits.  And the local reports of people getting hit by random gunfire while they were at public displays with their families only confirmed my feelings I made the right move in us staying home that night.  Do people really not realize when they fire a gun into the air that bullet is going to come down somewhere on someone maybe.  Or they just don't care.  Anyway I have to vent today about something small and stupid but it is really bugging the crap out of me.  Yes the southern in me is gonna come out here.  Let me start by saying I grew up watching Oprah on t.v. I remember watching her first shows back when I would watch Phil Donohue with my mother on days I wasn't in school.  I always loved Oprah and of all the talk shows that came and went hers was the one I looked forward to.  UNTIL I remember distinctly one episode that changed all that.  At the time I was a stay at home mom with three kids at home and a husband working his butt off to provide for us. We were renting a nice home but it was a stretch on one income.  We decided it was better to live frugally in a nice neighborhood where our kids could go to good schools than to live in a neighborhood we had to keep the kids inside and doors locked at all times but we could afford more stuff.  So in those days I watched a lot of HGTV and other such shows learning how to decorate and cook things from scratch.  I still wanted our home to look nice and be something that was visually pleasing.  So this episode of Oprah that really is the one that alienated me they were doing a decorating makeover in someones home and she stated that the "fake flowers" had to go.  No fake flowers no artificial plants REAL flowers were the only ones she had in her homes.  I looked over at the vase of tulips(my favorite flower) sitting by the window and was personally hurt by this.  Who was she to say my flowers werent good enough.  They made me smile everytime I looked at them.  It was at that moment I felt like I had been brainwashed for years and suddenly SNAP someone slapped me and I came to my senses.  I had been listening to people like her for years tell me I needed this or that for my home or myself.  I had to have this jacket in the fall to be stylish or that pair of shoes or this kind of furniture or whatever.  It is Keeping Up With The Jonses magnified by the media.  I eventually made my peace with Oprah; coming to the conclusion that her vast wealth over the years had her living a lifestyle far away from working class reality and that wasn't her fault.  No matter what your roots are living a life of luxury and privilage long enough will eventually twists your point of view on working class life.  But my current beef is not with miss Oprah but it seems the new offender is Gwenyth Paltrow. Again let me say I am a fan of her work.  BUT now there is the hoopla over her declaration that her 90 dollar plain white tee is the t-shirt to have this summer.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?  The cherry on top of this WTF sundae is the shirt only comes in sizes 0-8. LOL  I have an idea if you have 90 to throw away on a t-shirt go to Walmart and buy a 6 dollar tee (sizes 1 to 30) and donate the other 84 dollars to a charity of your choice.  90 dollars will help fill the shelves of a food bank pantry or buy school supplies for a few kids who might not be able to get them this year. What makes me angry about it really is there are those young girls out there that will feel like they are not right unless they have those things that celebrities tell them they need.  We as a nation need to STOP this fascination with STUFF. Newest stuff ,coolest stuff,most pretentious stuff. Use our money to pay off our debts,help our neighbors, do something worthwhile. 

So summer is officially here and I know this because yesterday I noticed the craft store I was in already had their fall foilage and Christmas ornaments on the shelves. One aisle over from the tiki torches and flower leis.  Having been working in retail for quite some time now I am almost ashamed to say I enjoyed a game of hide and seek with my 12 year old while in the craft store.  I blame him entirely when he wanted to look around by himself while my sister and I shopped then proceded to call my sisters phone from mine and announce,"The game is afoot." He even managed to hide from me for about a half hour until he got a little full of himself and decided to call and taunt me as I hunted for him.  Inadvertantly giving clues to his location while doing so.  But in this summer heat we need to just be kids sometimes.  I think after being "boss lady" all day I am enjoying being a kid once I get home.  A few days ago I ventured out to the mall with the same 12 year old but this time I followed protocol letting him go to the used game store to look around and play the games they have connected in the store while I shop the department stores and give him time and space without his mother hovering.  I will add always with cell phone in hand and after a quick reminder of safety.  I am expected to give him a good 20 to thirty minutes of being on his own before I arrive at the game store.  This particular day we entered the mall through a different entrance than usual and I decided to "window shop" in this store for a change.  It's a little more upscale than I usually shop but I figured why not.  OMG I have never seen so many pinched and plumped and plucked faces looking sooooo miserably unhappy I couldn't help but think of the phrase MONEY DOESNT BUY HAPPINESS.  They were definitely the proof.  Women with perfect hair and nails and clothes, some dragging along children with perfect hair and clothes and looking like every bit of joy in life had been sucked from their souls.  I know sometimes shopping at mall with kids can be a little taxing and if you are not in the mood a real pain in the tush.  This was like all the stepford wives were on bitch meds and their faces all glared like angry birds.  Here I was with a whopping 20 dollars in the bank and a week till payday,chipped nails, hair in a scrunchie ponytail, favorite croc flip flops on, happy to be out with my son wondering what the day would hold for us.  BIG PICTURE people...we are only on this rock so many days then its off to another adventure or maybe to nothing at all but isn't that all the more reason to suck up as much joy out of this life as we can.  There is so much good stuff out there we just have to look. Remember  The Game is Afoot.

It's raining here and if it were raining men they would be big fat annoying ones that never quit. My husband has been in a rain coma for the day and son has beat me at so many video games today I have a capital L imprinted on my forhead for all the times I lost.  We have been watching the brain trust of Florida standing on piers and beaches getting knocked over by waves as big as buildings making all the rest of us look like dumb hicks.  My son gets particularly anxious over exteme weather and when he was younger we could always hide when there were tornado warnings on t.v. now he just goes to his room and turns on the weather channel.  So far he is not freaking out too badly.  I remember being the same way as a child and thinking every cloud was the beginning of a funnel cloud.  Hate to think I passed on those worries to him even though by the time he was born I had learned to mask those worries for the sake of his brother and sister.  Funny how many things I feared that when I became the parent I had to get over it for the sake of teaching my children these were things that did need to be feared.  I have always said my kids have given me way more than I could ever have given them.  Last night we fell asleep with the television on syfy running a spider movie marathon.  Not the best images to have running through my subconscious all night.  Does that happen to others.  One less person in the house has changed the dynamic so much and I must say she is sooo much happier in her own place now.  Everybody has been visiting and helping her get settled and if is so lovely to walk in from work and not be bombarded with questions.  Looking at the silver lining here I nearly sliced a chunk from my thumb yesterday slicing vegetables with a mandoline... no I was not using the safety guard...so I have a break from doing dishes for at least a few days till everything heals shut. Now I am on cooking duty instead.   Might have to slice another apendage when this one heals so I can stay on cooking.  I am full of random stuff today just taking up space in my head.  So many things I get fired up about during the week but quite honestly this rain is like taking a handful of muscle relaxers.  Aaaahhhh.

Can I have some bacon with my heart attack

Oh good wonderful lovely afternoon/evening people out there.  It is amazing what a morning of shopping and swimming and an afternoon of napping can do for the spirit.  When I was a teen I was very much into astrology and it's funny that now I cannot remember if Gemini is a water sign or an air sign.  I want to say air because I remember certain friends of mine teasing me that I was a little "spacey" back then.  But I don't think I am as at home anywhere as in the water.  So funny watching my son at the neighborhood pool jump right into a game with a group of late teens and trying to act so cool.  I didn't even exsist until they left the water then my boy returned to me.  With some members of the household still on vacation it is all quiet on the homefront.  Tonight enjoying a dinner of spaghetti squash with tomatoes and feta cheese.  I was reading yesterday the announcement that burger king is making a BACON SUNDAE are you kidding me.  Let me vent for a moment about the whole weight loss/food/magazine/ industry for a moment before I lose my fire.  It has never been lost on me that Women's World Weekly(one of the cheapest mags out there)sitting at every grocery checkout in creation features a "real" person every week who has lost a substantial amount of weight.  They also feature a "diet" every week. Usually something that involves eating more veggies and fruit and lean protein and less processed food. BUT just past the two or three pages that give you the keys to losing 10 pounds in one week they will have the other featured recipes.  Maybe a ten cheese mac and cheese and a triple chocolate cupcake stuffed with snickers or whatever.  So this summer Burger King began with the smoothies and wraps.  Now it will have the bacon sundae and bbq pork sandwiches and burgers.  Let me state for the record...I LOVE BURGER KING they are the ONLY fast food drive thru place that has a veggie burger that is good.  If you ask them not to smother it in mayonaise it is even somewhat healthy.  But do we really need another food item on the menu that is just obsene.  America wake up and look at our numbers.  Obesity rates,cancer rates,the amount of money we spend as a nation on cholesterol and blood pressure medication alone is staggering and I for one say no way am I playing victim to the corporate marketing net out there. Go to Dennys and look at that menu the fitfare items do scale back a little if you are watching your fat and calories and still eating out with the family but beware any other menu items like the tour of america which really says it all when you have a salad with over 800 calories and actual meat and potato meals exceeding 1000 calories.  We need to wake up to the stupidity.  No I don't think fast food should be banned or outlawed but I do think we need better education for our children about these things.  I grew up at a time when drive thrus were just becoming popular and hitting the drive thru was a real treat not a regular occurance.  Sometimes I just hear these things and go blsdjfosiosdhjsdnf ( thats me shaking my head making nonsense noise by the way).  If my thoughts were a little jumbled it is because as I was typing this weezy decided to have a seat next to me and enjoy two helping of the tuna casserole I made for everyone else while coating it with half a shaker of salt.  Let me just say eiusiisdjfksfjdgkzis

Wow it has been a super crazy wacko few weeks here and I am glad to say i think things are finally getting to a form of "normal".  This will be my last post as a thirty-something, tomorrow i turn forty.  Actually looking forward to it.  I am at the lowest weight I have been in years and after taking a week or two off the dieting this week I have been an angel.  Even with my biggest supporter and co-dieter out of town for the week still staying the course.  Now I will admit all day I kept thinking of where I could go out to celebrate but it occured to me with these changes I am making how do I want to begin my forties.  So the plan is to get up and have my usual healthy breakfast and go for morning workout.  Life is simply a series of choices ,door A or door B.  and I really want to enjoy every minute of this journey and it is tempting to say oh it's my birthday I can cut myself a little slack and enjoy myself but thats the point.  A meal of greasy buttery fattening food is not as enjoyable as it once was.  A couple of days ago I gave myself a free pass and was ready to have some warm salty Mcdonalds fries and  a burger for lunch but when lunch time rolled around I ended up buying a Lean Cuisine and an orange for lunch.  Door A or Door B.  My inventory at work went well and my yearly evaluation went very well with a much needed raise to follow.  It is up to me how I continue this upward climb.  So I am feeling very Zen lately.  The living situation is even improving with one person leaving the house to get a place of her own.  It is funny how easy it is to tolerate someones quirks when you know you will not be dealing with them for too much longer.  I say if forty is the new thirty and thirty is the new twenty then I am turning 20 tomorrow.  My moment of humor I have to laugh at myself this time...last night after working almost 11 hours I was soooo tired and when I get that tired I get a little LOOPY so I am in bed with the hubby and he was watching the final game of Stanley Cup and they were saying names of people attending the game.  According to hubby I was almost asleep when they said David Beckam and I responded with," David Beckam mmm YUM.  Needless to say I have NO recollection of this and when I was thumped in the head afterwards I had no idea what I had said.  GNite All

I am a procrastinator.  Actually Queen of the procrastinators to be exact but I do own my title and all of the issues that come with it.  I find writing on here to be a wonderful distraction from whatever I may be avoiding.  So if I am writing I am probably not working on something else I should be.  Right now it is the neatly folded stack of clean laundry screaming PUT ME AWAY.  Love doing laundry...hate putting away clothes.  So I am finally embracing the whole idea of turning 40.  Talked to a few of the ladies I work with younger and older and realized what I knew all along.  It's a number.  It doesn't define me.  Am I that cute bubbly blonde I was at 18...hell no.  Dont want to be.  I am really comfortable in my skin right now and how I am living my life.  Yes I wish I made more money at work but that requires certain sacrifices I am not prepared to make yet.  For the most part though it's all good.  I also have taken a stand at my job.  Some of the women tend to get a little cliquey and mean girls like and tend to turn on one or two at any given time.  One person in particular who does have some personal habits that annoy the heck out of anyone around her when she is not around everyone tends to bash "Rose".  Problem is Rose considers me a friend and a few of the others who have been talking.  So I took a stand.  With all the crap out there with kids getting bullied and ridiculed it is up to the adults to set the standard and I refuse to participate in any of that behavior.  I went through my own particular hell in Jr. high because of people who thought they were God's gift and everyone else was dirt.  And it has taken me a lot of time to shake the negative effects and poor self esteem that I developed with that.  So now when I enter our breakroom and see Rose sitting alone and my other "friends" sitting together motioning for me to sit with them I sit with the one who needs a friend.  So much hostility and hate out there and my son has been on both ends of that.  Usually the one being picked on but he did participate in bullying someone with a group to avoid being singled out himself and he was punished for it.  Now he is a champion for kids in that situation and although he is small he will stand up for anyone who needs it.  He is the reason I decided to change my behavior and saw I was not being true to myself.  I work in a low income rural area and see so much meanness from the people that come into my store and meanness to children at that.  It really is heartbreaking.  And YES I know this should apply to how I treat Weezie and I am working on that too but this is someone who injects herself into my personal business whenever she can and that situation is different.  But I am working on that too.  I even suggested to my sis she say one nice thing to her a day at whick point she dropped the f bomb in the middle of a Sam's Club store while we were shopping. For her that was extreme.  So baby steps I guess.

 Oh beautiful morning it feels so soothing to be sitting here in the morning sunlight,listening to the birds,drinking my much needed coffee and enjoying some peace and quiet.  This is recharging time.  So many ups and downs the last week or so it feels like things are getting back on track.  Work is still nuts and will be for about another week.  Nothing I can do about that so not even going to worry about it.  Mother's Day is over and it is really the low point of my year most of the time so thats another monkey off my back.  Monkeys all over this house sometimes.  Word is good that weezie will be getting her own place within the next 6 weeks so woohoo I did a happy dance when I heard that.  My son has started paying special attention to her eating habits and it is sweet but a little creepy I have to admit.  When she eats she must pour half of the salt shaker onto her food but of course half of the salt ends up on the kitchen counter or table and we have nicknamed this fairydust.  So when my son saw her covering her plate in salt he asked me,in front of her, Mom isn't salt bad for you.  I responded that salt has sodium and is you are trying to watch your blood pressure or have heart issues then yes you need to limit your salt intake.  He then turned to Weezie and asked her how many meals she thought she had eaten in her lifetime.  I had to keep from choking on my water and also keep from smiling and quickly told him this was a rude question and none of his business. And although it is nice to be concerned for someones health he is not in charge of monitoring her diet.  But my son being the hard headed good hearted kid he is proceeded the next night to raise the issue again when I was still at work.  He asked told her that making food taste better is not worth risking your life and didn't she realize people would be sad if she died.  When I hear things like that is really makes me feel proud that he is so caring .  Then I know I did well with him.  Of course his filter between brain and mouth has never worked that well but of all the things that could be wrong thats not too bad.  Well peace and quiet is over and house is full of peeps again so I am off  here to do some window shopping.

Well it has certainly been an eventful week to put it mildly.  You would think that the years i have put in with my dear hubby I would have recognized an emotional buildup because of his meds being off and my not encouraging to talk more about his fears instead of mistaking it for an all-out end of everything.  One late night venting session between the two of us has everything back on track and running smoothly.  Nothing like deep emotional breakthroughs till two A.M. and then going in to work at five A.M.  But its all good now.  This week has been a crazy weird turn.  My sister and I have slacked off the last few days with our workouts and since I have been working the 5-2 shift I have been too tired to make our healthy dinners.  But all is not lost since I have today and tomorrow off work we will be getting that back on track too.  This morning I made a yummy food discovery I have to share.  As usual I forgot to make my sons lunch until the last minute we were already running late.  I also needed to heat up a veggie burger for myself (my favorite breakfast).  So of course we are out of veggie burgers.  Whole wheat low-cal english muffin already in toaster I decide to throw on a LITTLE bit of peanut butter,yes I know how fattening peanut butter is hence all cap little.  Now since my son was seven his sandwich of choice is peanut butter and nutella.  Hhmmm. Just little on top of the peanut butter and add a spoonful of raspberry jam and you have breakfast.  Ok it may not be for everybody but it was awesome.  Anyway today I am home.  Yes I will complete a few things on my to do list but it is really about relaxing and enjoying the family these two days.  The next few weeks at work are going to be extra crazy with our inventory coming up and while I did fine last year with my departments some of my co-workers did not fare so well and a few heads are on the chopping block if there is not an improvement.  We are also looking at one of the members of this household moving in the next few months.  Oh we can dream can't we.  Her arrival over a year ago was "temporary" and just going to be for a few months until she found an apartment.  Okay I moved in here "temporarily" four years ago BUT I understand the dynamic of this family and its unspoken rules.  There are three separate yet related families here. My sis,her hubby and their daughter. It's their house and ultimately their rules. Family two our mother and father.  They have the back section of the house and my sis would have never been able to afford the mortgage without their contribution.  And then myself my hubby and our son.  When sis is having an issue with her hubby or child we all stay out.  Same thing for mother and father, same for my brood.  We all contribute and bring different things to the household.  Then there is Weezie.  She is the last addition(#9) to the house.  She sleeps in the 30 year old chair she brought with her and sat in the middle of my sisters living room.  Her chair also is directly in front of the front door.  So anyone coming or going must hear comments or questions about where ya going?, where ya been? how was your day.  My sister has nicknamed her the people greeter.  Problem is our family is not like that. We tease and torment and ridicule each other(in a loving way) but we all give each other space.  Before she came here we used to play Wii on the weekends in my sisters living room and have a blast.  Or rock band or trivia games.  That all ended when we had someone sitting there making smart comments any time someone messed up. Then there is the issue of the bodily noises coming from this person.  As I am sitting here in the dining room right now typing I have heard at least three burps from the living room that would make Shrek blush.  Uuuuggggg!!!  Yes my father and brother in law can be guilty of such noises too but with her it is ALL the time.  At some point enough is enough.  Let me explain the name Weezie. Some people are going to think I am horrible I DON"T CARE you don't live with her.  Weezie has emphyzema and asthma and diabetes and whole host of other conditions.  She moved in here because her own home was unlivable for her.  It was in such poor condition she had to be hospitalized for complications.  She lived an hour away from here.  So she moved in with her son, a no-brainer.  She is on oxygen every minute of the day.  So along with her and her belongings in my sisters living room is all of her medical equipment too.  There are three bathrooms in this house.  One in my sisters bedroom.  One in the back of the house that is my parents.  And the main household bathroom in the hallway inbetween my bedroom and my sons room.  She will only use the restroom in the main one because it is closest.  So everytime the woman has to go there is an oxygen hose running through the room.  When she first moved in we all realized quickly she does not breath like any other people we know with emphyzema or on oxygen. Imagine a woman doing long slow EXHALING breaths in lamaze class. WOOSH WOOSH.  My sister is a nurse.  I work with several elderly people much older than Weezie that have the same health problems.  My mother in law died from emphyzema and never had the exaggerated breathing she has.  We believe she does it for the attention and to play up her condition.  So anyway she got the name Weezie because when I have to be at work at seven I get up about 5 to get ready every morning no fail she would be standing outside the bathroom door waiting for me to get out and it is dark in the hallway and you can hear her WOOSH WOOSH outside the door waiting.  I know I sound horrible but consider this.  Every week a man comes to the house to do something to her oxygen machine,I don't know what. Anyway he comes around noon.  A few weeks ago Weezie clogged up the toilet and was trying plunge it herself and I had cleaned earlier so the bathroom did still have bleach fumes in it.  She got a little out of breath and went to sit down and my sister checked her machine for her.  This was 6pm her machine had been off since noon and she hadnt noticed until then. Ha Busted.  There are two million other things the woman does that make us all want to wrap that hose around her neck but I am going to stop there.  So when I say she may be leaving in a few months this is a thing of great joy.  And if you think I am harsh my sister is ten times more ready to have her gone. None of us are perfect here and we all drive each other nuts and do things that get on each others nerves the difference between her and the rest of us is we are all aware of the things we do. Anyway one of these days she is gonna blow us all to bits frying sausage and eggs on the GAS stove with her oxygen tube still on then my sister will get the new kitchen she wants.  Guess it all works out in the end.

I am definitely living up to my Zengirl moniker today.  Not without hurdles but I shall clear them all.  Last night as I stood in the kitchen boiling the cabbage for tonights dinner my husband decides to tell me he needs a break.  More exact...WE need a break.  Okay I walk out of the room and ask my sister who has never made a cabbage roll in her life to watch the stove because something has come up.  The next hour is spent trying to understand where this is coming from.  The rest of the night is spent trying to accept the fact that we may be over.  In all honesty, and I have told him this in the past, he is my soulmate and my one great love but if we cease to be together I will be okay.  My main concern is our son.  My husbands family has a long scary history of mental illness and his own father was an abusive sob.  My husband struggled for years to be better for his children, and he was and is.  My stepkids did really get to see the best of their father.  The man I fell in love with.  My son knows a close version of that man but not quite the same.  I still believe that person is buried down inside and have been trying to find a way to let him out.  Last night he told me that man is dead and doesnt exist.  So he is planning on leaving for a bit but like I said I know if he goes odds are against him coming back.  It is all scary and my son already has his own host of emotional issues with having his father leave too. Not that he is really here when he's here but again we get glimpses of that person off and on.  Am I some kind of robot bitch for going through my workday as if nothing was wrong.  The panic and tears are under the surface but I am wonderful at keeping that stuff at bay.  Fifteen years and poof.  Guess I will be in denial until he actually gets on a plane and leaves.  Sitting here with my cup of coffee it is all surreal.  I guess if he had strayed or the love or passion had gone from our relationship it would be easier to understand but this is simply he is going through his own emotional turmoil and I can only do so much to ease that.  Funny how I was just saying I thought i was hitting my midlife crisis and now it is being thrust upon me.  Life goes on baby.

Well now that things are quieting down for the night I can really let it all out.  How hard to do fight for someone who doesnt want to be saved.  When you love someone can you really just let go knowing if you let that person walk away they will give up on everything once and for all.  How many times has my husband told me I am the only thing keeping his head above water...now I am not even doing that.  And I know there is a part of him that will just be happier away from this house and some of the people  here.  I dont blame him for that.  Am I really so cold I can let him walk away.  I already told him if he leaves I have a feeling he wont see our son again.  Sounds melodramatic but true.  Fifteen years can i just let it end like that.  So many tears tonight so many emotions and I can tell he is getting into leaving mode because he is cutting everyone off...including me. 

Another fantastic Saturday home with the kin.  Naaaa not so much but i have had worse days.  Not a lot of privacy today,i expect that on weekend.  Funny enough now that hubby is back to taking his meds normal we are not really speaking to each other right now.  Not a big deal we tend to run hot and cold with each other and if both of us are running cold at the same time its pretty nice.  It is when one is hot the other cold it becomes an issue.  I have been making healthy food for my sis and me all week and now making cabbage rolls for tomorrow nights dinner for everyone since I am the only one in house who actually enjoys cooking.  Took Morrocan meatballs in to work yesterday for a potluck everyone seemed to like it.  I swear I actually heard a tick tock noise this morning I think was a clock ticking down to my fortieth birthday.  I now get the middle age crazy syndrome you hear about in men because I am feeling that everyday a little stronger now.  I am guessing it is normal and will pass.  Hopefully without my doing something drastic or stupid.  I remember when I was 18 and crazy in love with a man somewhat older than myself(38) and him telling me women really hit their stride in their 30's but I think he was wrong I think it was 40.  Funny to think he would be 60 this year.  Not sure I am that much into older men now.  Already have a 45 year old hubby who acts like he is 100.  It is all about attitude though. 

Tomorrow morning I am thrust back into the gladiator arena that I call a job. Uuggggg.  There are many levels of management at the company I work for and I am on the bottom rung of the management ladder.  I have come to the conclusion that the only way to stay a member of the management team is to scratch and claw your way upward as fast as you can BEFORE they realize you are not as good as you are making them think you are.  I have seen one manager after another step down from their positions because they were not able to meet the expectations of our higher ups.  You are only as good as your team and without a solid team to work with most of us falter.  I am conflicted about my current position.  I have already been told I should be looking to move upward and I have never been someone to turn down more money but (Big BUT) Right now I actually maintain some creative control over my departments and the artist in me finds a small amount of pleasure in the merchandising part of my job.  Moving upward means giving up that freedom and becoming more of a clipboard carrying pain in the ass.  The hippy part of me that hasnt been squashed is screaming Sell Out!!! dont do it!  Yes I know I am too young to be an actual hippy but as my son keeps reminding me I am too much about peace and harmony and good energy.  Funny when my husband and I met we both were happy with him working and my staying home to care for the kids.  Now the tables are turned only he doesnt do the stay at home parent like I did.  Other family members do the driving to and from school and cooking and cleaning.  Now I am the breadwinner and I have to say at times it SUCKS.  Only rarely.  But I dont want to become one of those women who its all about work.  Oh I really dont know anything anymore.  just avoiding sleep and trying to make sense of everything swimming around in my head.  Sometimes wonder is the right person is being medicated here.  Funny since I wont even take an aspirin and I am married to a man who has never gone a day without taking meds.Yin and Yang.  Every now and then he will ask me if I would be better off without him and my first reaction and response is always no way but being 100 percent honest there are times I wonder what my life would be like not taking care of him too.  We are so completely opposite sometimes we seem ridiculous.  But it works too.  Chris Rock said you have to love the crust of a man not just the good parts but what happens when crust is almost all that is left.  Time for me to get off of here and go fight for the remote control and this battle I WILL WIN at least.  He gives me the little battles.  Nite all

Nothing like a little peace and quiet in the middle of the day to reflect.  Had one of those serious talks in the car this morning with my son on the way to school.  He usually waits till we are about five minutes from the school to start a deep discussion but this time as we sat at a redlight I could tell something was bothering him.  He said it bothered him that he felt he had been doing really good things lately and it was not being acknowledged.  These are the talks I dread but I know everytime we have then he is one step closer to becoming an adult.  First I asked if he felt I had not acknowledged his acts lately and he said I had but of course I am MOM and thats what we do.  Then I reminded him that unfortunately in life some people do good all the time and it never gets recognized.  That we do good things or excel in some areas of our life because we want that inner fulfillment not for praise.  Praise is nice and yes it is human nature to want to be praised or complimented for our actions but in the end we have to be content with us knowing we have done well.  All mom answers and not what he wanted to hear but he does understand.  As a parent I get torn between praising my son and helping to raise him self esteem but also toughening him up to the realities that face him in adult life.  I give everything I have to my job when I am working and not only do I get my work done by the deadlines I face but I am asked to help my coworkers who struggle to meet deadlines.  On an almost daily basis I am working in someone elses department taking me away from my own and there is no pat on the back at the end of the day.  But I do it because it needs to be done.  So the harshness of life shows itself a little more each day to my little guy (he would kill me if he knew I still refer to him as that) and all I can do is be there to give advise if needed or just lend an ear.  My stepchildren were 5 and 7 when they came into my life and their parents had already been split for several years.  They had not only been witness to the breakup of their parents marraige but their mothers following relationship as well and by the time I met them they were already fully aware that life held no guarantees or promises.  It is what it is.  I have always liked the comparison in the movie Parenthood to a roller coaster.  Up and down,up and down,scary as hell one minute but when its over you want more.  If you can have a good laugh have it.  Ending this on a more comic note(adult content here) as my young man was getting ready for school and I was going through the morning ritual of telling him every five minutes what he should be doing he erupted from the bathroom and announced, Mom, I was taking a wiz ( he loves his colorful expressions). Then as I apologized for rushing him he said You don't want me to jiz in my pants do you.  Needless to say I stopped cold in my tracks and said Huh?  He repeated the sentence.  Trying not to be too freaked out by hearing that from my son I opened my bedroom door and guided him in to where my husband was sitting on the bed,looked at my husband and said PLEASE explain the difference between the word wiz and jiz...and then quickly walked out of the room before I heard my son yelling EEEwwwww from behind the door.  I am confident I will not be hearing that word from his mouth again.  Oh the joys of raising a son. 

Xanax night

This is the most wonderful time of night in this house when most occupants are nestled in their beds and the ones that are still awake are watching tv so it isnt so quiet you hear every sound made.  It is also one of the most dreaded nights when hubbies medications run out before they can be refilled tomorrow.  Now if I could i would knock him on the head with a giant hammer so he would sleep till tomorrow but alas this isnt loony toon land sooooooo I get to spend the evening dealing with the mood swings and jumpyness and overall crazy.  Crazy is not a four letter word with us.  He actually uses it more than i do.  I find myself asking if I had known fifteen years ago what I know now about depression and mental illness would I have still made that till death do us part leap.  I remember being a little girl asking to find my soulmate to love who would love me in return I forgot to say make him perfect right.  Then of course if I change the path I chose I would not have my son and I would have never had the honor of raising two incredible human beings who sometimes slip and call me mom. And really anybody can say forever... or until things get tough, but for me it seems like the tough stuff is the real stuff.  Its easy loving somebody when they are at their best but doesnt it mean more when you have seen each other at your worst and can say I am not turning my back on you lean on me.  Ohhh im bordering on mushy here better back that up.  Changing gears evening workout at park was good enough and ended comically when my sister and I returned to her car and there was a note left on her dash informing her she was a moron because of her failure to park in the lines.  I told her I now have it in writing that she IS the moron not me. Hahaha.  Almost 11pm and people are starting to come out of rooms what is wrong with everyone here?  I dont sleep thats a given but the rest of them should be out by now.  Just read the article about mad cow disease being found in a cow in US which is making me feel so much better about all the fish and chicken I have been consuming. Gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about it.  Oh I love my job but love being allowed to sleep till seven a.m. even more.  I hear my son laughing hysterically at something in his room which tells me it's time to peek in and threaten to turn off the adult swim.

No privacy No problem

Ironically Zengirl is having a hard time holding on to that zen feeling right now as I start this post.  Still feeling the post exercise high from this morning but its fading fast.  I am off of work for two days and home with the three who never leave.  Thats fine I get others are in this space too but I LOVE my privacy.  After dropping son off at school I stopped by my storage unit to look for a few things and it occured to me if I weren't so freaked out by spiders I would clear out a space and hang out there in my big cozy chair I miss curling up in.  The quiet was heavenly the sunlight and cool breeze refreshing.  Husband is starting to drift into sleep mode after being up all night "working" Yeah I did the quotation thing.  It makes him feel better though and not so much like he is cooped up in a cave.  But spending time in a dark bedroom not my idea of enjoying the best weather we have had in ages.  One more person in the door.  One more person making noises that make me cringe and so it is time to clean my sons room.  I am going to actually write more when not feeling like I am being overrun here.  Is that possible?