I am apologizing to anyone upfront who reads this post I am suffering from blogger buildup and am about to unload an avalanche of emotion.  You have been warned.  Feeling at the end of my proverbial rope here as I change my work schedule so I can be off today to take the hubby to a clinic where he can see an actual psychiatric doctor.  He isn't going now.  I KNOW his nerves cause the physical symptoms but I just wanna shake him and scream at him.  A few weeks back we spent a night in ER where he admitted himself to psych center for a couple of days and I thought that was getting us on the road to some help but he is curling up under the covers and avoiding everything.  For one of the few times in my life I admitted I was dealing with too much and went to my boss and asked to be removed from a huge project,that was my idea anyway, because I am just so overwhelmed.  I thank God I work for a wonderful company and have management over me that is understanding of my situation and willing to work with me. Found out my stepson is starting to show same symptoms as his father and talking of suicide.  Only with him it is so much harder because he is so far away from us I can't just sit and talk with him like I need to.  As much as I appreciate the fact my sister has been letting us live in her house all this time I want to have my own place and need to get my son in an environment that has a little less chiefs running things.  Now he is starting to break away from me in that teenager way and I have to stop myself from depending on him for validaton that I am still capable of caring for someone.  I find myself sitting in the car at the end of the workday and wanting to go anywhere else in the world but home.  Learning to surround myself with positive people at work and focusing on the blessings in my life but when I am alone,in the car,bathroom,wherever everything hits me and I just lose it.  I know there are support groups out there and I should look into that but I don't know if thats my style or not.  This forum here has been my venting tactic but obviously I need to do this a little more often.  Oh and I just have to throw out there Pumpkin Pie Poptarts are one of the smartest snacks invented they are freakin awesome.  I feel the backlog of emotions leaving now and I can get on with the rest of my day with some amount of peace now.  whew!