Mourning and closure

Sorry if I ramble a little(even though I pretty much ramble all the time) but have been up since 4 a.m. this morning spending the morning taking my husband to the airport for him to fly back home to PA.  His father passed away this week and the last few days have been a blur of phone calls and emails sent and internet searches to make sure everyone who should know does know.  I am grateful that I work for a company that gives me paid time off for this but also offered to send flowers to the service.  No need since at my father-in-law's request there will be no viewing or funeral or service.  My husband will get the honor of bringing his ashes back and scattering them in the gulf since we are the only family that lives anywhere near the gulf.  I am realizing I have to make my peace with a man I really only met once but he has left his mark on my husband in ways that I have not been able to forgive up to now.  My husband made peace with him about a year ago when he last went to visit and even though not everything was said that needed to be it was good for both of them.  Well as I explained to my hubby one night he can and should forgive his father for the emotional and physical scars he carries as a reminder of his childhood but have no fond memories of the man and feel no obligation to forgive.  That I am the nurse still trying to heal his wounds after all of these years.  I have had to hear the fear in my husbands voice when he has nightmares about things related to his childhood. Worst of all I have seen the toll it has taken on the man I love trying to break away from the shadow of his father.  Watching him struggle to be a good father and husband even when he hasn't been sure of how to do that.  Now he is gone.  He died alone and he wanted no ceremony when he was gone...probably the most unselfish decision he made.  I now have to focus on the good memories my husband has shared with me about this man.  I have to remember that from what I understand he was once an innocent child growing up with a sadistic abusive father himself and he was trained to be what he turned into.  I have to be thankful that unlike so many of the males in his family my husband chose to turn away from the life of drugs,drinking,and ending up in jail usually for violent offences.  Even though he is not always the husband I thought I would be with;we are not the couple I envisioned being a part of, what we do have is special and magical and unbreakable.  It is not always easy and I recently stated to him the only thing that could ever break us apart is him giving up.  When we told each other for better or worse we really meant it wasnt for better or if things don't get too tough.  Some of our happiest memories as a family are when we were struggling the hardest with obstacles,that is when I thrive he says.  So today I put on my big girl panties and grow up a little bit more.  I forgive.  My husband is staying with his aunt and uncle that were truly surrogate parents to him as he got older and I know at their home he will find security and love and he will be free to discuss the past with others who were there and maybe have a different perspective on things.  One of his brothers is in jail and the other is living in the same run down neighborhood they grew up in working when he can.  I am hoping he comes home with an appreciation of how far he really has come in life.