Tomorrow morning I am thrust back into the gladiator arena that I call a job. Uuggggg.  There are many levels of management at the company I work for and I am on the bottom rung of the management ladder.  I have come to the conclusion that the only way to stay a member of the management team is to scratch and claw your way upward as fast as you can BEFORE they realize you are not as good as you are making them think you are.  I have seen one manager after another step down from their positions because they were not able to meet the expectations of our higher ups.  You are only as good as your team and without a solid team to work with most of us falter.  I am conflicted about my current position.  I have already been told I should be looking to move upward and I have never been someone to turn down more money but (Big BUT) Right now I actually maintain some creative control over my departments and the artist in me finds a small amount of pleasure in the merchandising part of my job.  Moving upward means giving up that freedom and becoming more of a clipboard carrying pain in the ass.  The hippy part of me that hasnt been squashed is screaming Sell Out!!! dont do it!  Yes I know I am too young to be an actual hippy but as my son keeps reminding me I am too much about peace and harmony and good energy.  Funny when my husband and I met we both were happy with him working and my staying home to care for the kids.  Now the tables are turned only he doesnt do the stay at home parent like I did.  Other family members do the driving to and from school and cooking and cleaning.  Now I am the breadwinner and I have to say at times it SUCKS.  Only rarely.  But I dont want to become one of those women who its all about work.  Oh I really dont know anything anymore.  just avoiding sleep and trying to make sense of everything swimming around in my head.  Sometimes wonder is the right person is being medicated here.  Funny since I wont even take an aspirin and I am married to a man who has never gone a day without taking meds.Yin and Yang.  Every now and then he will ask me if I would be better off without him and my first reaction and response is always no way but being 100 percent honest there are times I wonder what my life would be like not taking care of him too.  We are so completely opposite sometimes we seem ridiculous.  But it works too.  Chris Rock said you have to love the crust of a man not just the good parts but what happens when crust is almost all that is left.  Time for me to get off of here and go fight for the remote control and this battle I WILL WIN at least.  He gives me the little battles.  Nite all