I am definitely living up to my Zengirl moniker today.  Not without hurdles but I shall clear them all.  Last night as I stood in the kitchen boiling the cabbage for tonights dinner my husband decides to tell me he needs a break.  More exact...WE need a break.  Okay I walk out of the room and ask my sister who has never made a cabbage roll in her life to watch the stove because something has come up.  The next hour is spent trying to understand where this is coming from.  The rest of the night is spent trying to accept the fact that we may be over.  In all honesty, and I have told him this in the past, he is my soulmate and my one great love but if we cease to be together I will be okay.  My main concern is our son.  My husbands family has a long scary history of mental illness and his own father was an abusive sob.  My husband struggled for years to be better for his children, and he was and is.  My stepkids did really get to see the best of their father.  The man I fell in love with.  My son knows a close version of that man but not quite the same.  I still believe that person is buried down inside and have been trying to find a way to let him out.  Last night he told me that man is dead and doesnt exist.  So he is planning on leaving for a bit but like I said I know if he goes odds are against him coming back.  It is all scary and my son already has his own host of emotional issues with having his father leave too. Not that he is really here when he's here but again we get glimpses of that person off and on.  Am I some kind of robot bitch for going through my workday as if nothing was wrong.  The panic and tears are under the surface but I am wonderful at keeping that stuff at bay.  Fifteen years and poof.  Guess I will be in denial until he actually gets on a plane and leaves.  Sitting here with my cup of coffee it is all surreal.  I guess if he had strayed or the love or passion had gone from our relationship it would be easier to understand but this is simply he is going through his own emotional turmoil and I can only do so much to ease that.  Funny how I was just saying I thought i was hitting my midlife crisis and now it is being thrust upon me.  Life goes on baby.