More Brain Soup Please

Yes I am tired and loopy and should know better than to write when loopy but I should know I lot of things I don't do now don't I.  Had a very weird day today.  Was moody and blah and quite frankly a little bit bitchy and a smart ass to my supervisor.  But he is working toward getting out of the apparel area and moving over to a recent opening in our store.  I know he wants it and hope he gets it but it means breaking in a new supervisor.  I liked this one he knows how to handle me when I am a smartass and he knows me well enough that when he tells me to do something I can just tell him no and it isn't a big deal he knows I will do it.  It's like starting a new relationship.  I'm too old for that crap.  Anyway went to my sons end of year concert at school and he was awesome but people are just freakin nuts there.  My mother, who went with me, has a bad knee so we had to sit at the bottom of the bleachers or should I call them ass destroyers because 5 minutes of sitting on these things and even my well cushioned tush was in agony.  Just behind us sat cuckoo puff number one.  When she sat down she put her hand on my back and used me to lower herself down onto the seat.  Okay it was very crowded and she was a bigger lady I ignored it.  Then about 10 minutes later I feel something or someone pulling on my hair.  Now I had about a half hour between getting home from work and leaving for this concert so even though I would have loved to fix my hair a little I still had my "work" ponytail in.  If I know I am going to be having a lot of meetings and such I will wear my hair down but most days I am working in an overstuffed stockroom and it is hot.  My hair is long and thick and requires a lot of work so it is ponytails for work.  And this woman behind me is playing with my ponytail.  I turned back to look and she commented on how soft and fluffy it looked and she couldn't help herself.  I heard her several times commenting she wanted to just grab it.  My mother is amazing at keeping a straight face but I can tell when she is laughing on the inside and she was.  Oh it was almost too much.  My eyes are drooping and the soup is kicking in so will finish whatever thoughts I am having later

I'm too old to start doing jello shots now

I admit I have never been able to handle my liquor very well.  In my younger single days my friends used to love warning my dates what a "cheap" date I would be because one or two good drinks and I am toast.  Now living at my sister's house nobody drinks here.  My father quit before I was born and according to the stories I am lucky to not have any memories of those days like her and my mother do.  If I buy an occasional corona to add to the shrimp and seafood boil when we cook seafood my son goes into full fledged detective mode making sure nobody drinks any.  So last night I went to a little get together at a friends house.  It was a girls party selling adult "toys" and such.  She and I share similar husband issues so we understand how important time away from the hubby is good.  So after the party was over and her family returned to the house I was about to leave when they asked me to stay and hang out,it was still pretty early.  Well even though she has a pretty good selection of adult beverages for this party it was just lemonade and tea and appetizers of course.  But since she was throwing a cookout today she had premade the jello shots and had them tucked away in the refridgerator.  After just the slightest of peer pressure( I am totally weak I admit it) I swallowed one. ONE LITTLE shot.  My first jello shot actually.  Approximately 3 minutes later I started to break out in a sweat and was feeling a little light headed.  REALLY?!  One freakin shot and I am buzzed.  Her and her husband thought it was a hoot I was such a lightweight I was a little embarrassed.  I refused a second thinking no way I could drive home in that condition.  All in all I had a very good time and no I did not drive home until a few hours later but it hit me this morning when I woke up feeling 20 years older than I am.  What happened to Saturday nights running all over town.  Going anywhere doing anything.  Staying up till 6 am then going to work at 11 am.  Then still going out when you leave work.  Do I really miss those days?  Was it all really that much fun?  I think as we get older we forget any of the negative feelings associated with an event and tend to glamorize it somewhat.  Yes I was in better shape and didn't have all these aches and pains and had my freedom.  And could blow most of my paycheck at the mall because there was no cell phone,internet,50 dollars to fill my car kind of bills.  But I do remember waiting by a phone for some guy to call when they usually don't.  Looking at couples thinking I wish I had that.  Going to bed alone some nights.  So the good old days might not have been THAT good.  They weren't bad though.  Now when I sneak a day in with just me and my guys I am always aware of how special that time is.  Not sure if given the choice of being twenty again I would take that.  For the record that jello shot,i found out later, was about 4 oz. of a couple of kinds of vodka.  And I hadn't eaten.  And...nah can't come up with any other excuses.

Pet Peeve

Let me first say my son was one of those hyper active buzzing around everywhere kids when he was little.  Some think he still is at 13 but he has definitely calmed down some.  When he was about two we lived 10 minutes from the beach so there was a time when I would load him in the stroller walk along the boardwalk and head out to the sand for us to enjoy the day.  During this time one thing I could not do for more than 30 seconds was let go of his hand because POW he made a beeline for the ocean.  No fear.  So no I didn't nap in the sand while he played, every second my eyes were on him.  No cell phone in tow.  No ereader or ianything.  Just time together.  So I TOTALLY understand having a child that if you turn your back on they are gone.  Now that being said... Last night on our Friday night grocery trip we came across a couple of women with three children with them.  A baby in a carrier in the front of the shopping cart.  An older girl about 6 riding in the large part of the cart.  Then the little boy about 4 or five.  With a leash on him.  Oh it was a kiddie leash not a dog one but still.  Both women on their phones everytime we passed them.  Neither of them acknowledging the children in front of them EXCEPT when the girl repeatedly yelled at the little boy to "STAY".  At that point one of the women put her phone down for a second and yelled at the girl, "He is not a dog you cannot train him quit acting stupid!" Wow I thought my sis and I were both going to lose it hearing that.  Seriously lady?  I understand the kids that bolt off in a parking lot...guess what...hold their hand.  I just have to say it to vent.  Get off your phone and give your child some attention.  Mom,mom,mom,mom,mom,mom,...how many times do they need to say it before you realize you have a child there.  Interact.  Engage.  Communicate.  People are idiots that is all there is to it.  No not all people of course just A LOT of them. 

If I Had Any Attention Span at All It Would Be VERY Short

Have had very weird random thoughts running through my head lately and fortunately they are running quickly.  I am guessing it is normal for a woman to have spontaneous thoughts of running away from home.  Especially one my age.  I have been a mom for 16 years now.  My youngest is a teenager.  My husband is...trying...yeah I will settle on that.  He has seriously been trying to be better lately. I have to give him credit for that.  We went out a couple of nights ago to movie and late night diner food.  Was even treated to an eardrum bursting rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody in the car(Wayne's World style) by my fellas. I cannot remember the last time we went out and there was not some form of drama and arguing.  It was almost a perfect evening.  Yet most evenings on my way home from work I hear a little voice telling me to keep driving.  Go to the beach.  Go up north.  Anywhere but home.  Not that I am unhappy.  Live in the moment and it's all good but there is something else I am meant to be doing.  Something real.  My eyelids drooping signal that some of these feelings are brought on by lack of sleep.  Okay a lot of them I'm sure.  Worked till 8 last night had to be back in by 7 this morning and now tomorrow I have to be in at 5am.  And it is Stanley Cup playoffs so the smell of testosterone is reeking up my room as my son is watching with my husband.  GO PENGUINS!!  To top it all off birthday season is here and the first of five birthdays that occur in the next four weeks was today.  Mine is in that mix too.  Maybe that is what I am wanting to run from.  Getting older.  Yuck! 

Good Morning

Sometimes to find peace,I think anyway, we need to unplug and walk away from the two billion invisible threads connecting us to the world.  No internet,no phone,no nothing.  Yes facebooking, blogging, even online gaming for some is a great outlet but it can also create more of the drama and pressure we are trying to escape from.  That is why I am so inconsistant with my blogging.  I don't use it as an outlet to connect to others but more of a way to put things out there I feel the need to but in a way I am comfortable with.  Inconsistancy is a long running theme in my life.  But I believe it is part of my genetic makeup so instead of fighting it(I do a little at times) I have made peace with that too and embrace it.  Yes I am in a very zen place this morning.  It is a breathtakingly beautiful day and I want to soak up every second of it an slow it down to make it last.  So last night I woke up to my husband watching Cloud Atlas.  He had already been watching about an hour and a half so the music the words were seeping into my dreams.  I had been anxious for him to watch it because the message of the story is something I have wholeheartedly believed since I was a little girl.  Not just reincarnation but that we are connected to the same souls through life and that although the bodies and locations and even the relationships change we are still drawn to these people.  And also that you do change your path with every act(good or bad) that you commit.  I jokingly keep telling him that we will keep coming back until we get it right so get it right dammit. So him watching the movie now he understands me a little more.  After 16 years it took a movie for that to happen but I guess it being spelled out for him helped.  There is a happiness I find in him understanding that now.  The way in which we met was a one in a million chance but when it happened we both understood that it was meant to be.  So he really cannot argue that with me now.  I have so much more stuck in my head to get out but was just given an invite to sushi cafe for lunch and that I am not turning down...so this will have to be continued at a later time.

Making lemonade out of rotten freaking lemons

Today is my day off and you know where I ha to go first thing this morning.  Since my sons glasses decided they could not hold up for another 2 or 3 months I had to take him to either get them fixed or get new ones.  The two of us went together without anyone else tagging along and it was very nice.  We sat and talked at McDonalds as he devoured a breakfast and some of my coffee.  I picked up a movie I had been waiting for and it was the most beautiful sunny breezy morning ever.  Even though my dear hubby fixed the air conditioning on my car last week we rode with the windows down.  I let him stick his head out the window and yell at the top of his lungs at which point he quickly ducked his head back into the car and yelled ,Oh CRAP LOVEBUG SEASON.  He managed to avoid taking a bug to the eye or worse in the mouth thank goodness.  Today started off rough with the husband.  I am not into the drama today.  We both said our words to each other and I went off on my way.  I made a decision a while back that if he needs to leave I will let him go and he is aware of that.  He has his appointment with his new psychiatrist next month and I pray it goes well.  I have had a few friends ask me why I stay with him and it really simple.  I didn't just wake up one day and he had changed.  It has been a slow gradual progression over the years that I have watched him change.  When I first met him he worked two jobs and still made time for his family.  We were broke most of the time and struggling to make ends meet but those really were the best days.  I heard one time that sometimes you don't love the person still but the memory of who they were but I can't help but feeling that man is still trapped inside trying to get out.  I know he is.  I see bits and pieces of him sometimes.  Mother's Day as I sat and watched him cook our dinner for the three of us I saw him.  So today is a quiet day and still a good day.  And just a sidenote...whoever in this house keeps taking black string all balled up and leaving it in places to look like a big gnarley spider and scare the crap out of people when they go to the bathroom in the middle of the night are gonna get it.  I will figure out who it is. 

Woman undone

Today I was on the verge of being one of those women you see on an episode of Snapped on lifetime network.  So not proud of my behavior at work.  I do pride myself on being professional at work but I was having one of those days when you feel that the management team above you are not stepping up and doing what they should be doing and I snapped.  I got frustrated and honestly tired of being told I will be given help only to have that help taken away and given to someone else right away when there were others that could have been used for the job.  Oh well what is done is done.  I really do enjoy certain aspects of my job.  And I will say it is hard to be positive when so many around you have a very negative attitude.  Now that the dark cloud of Mother's Day is over things are a lot lighter feeling in the house.  I did get well wishes from two out of three of my kids which is pretty good.  Number 3 knows I love him no matter what so when I do hear from him I just want to know he's okay.  So working in retail,particularly ladies clothing, I have had a few people ask my opinion of the whole Abercrombie and Fitch ridiculousness that has been made public.  For anybody that has stepped foot in their stores can you really be surprised that this is the way the company operates.  Oh they made it clear who they want to buy their clothes when they made them in the sizes(or lack of) and prices they did.  And it is elitist bullshit but it is out there and if we are offended by their policy why do we want to spend money in their stores?  I love Victorias Secret.  When I turned 18 and was at my smallest size I could buy anything off the rack there and loved it.  It wasn't I put on weight that I realized that they really only cater to smaller sizes in their stores.  That was when I decided that no matter what if I got back down to a smaller size I would never shop them again.  Now I think I can understand Victorias Secret a little more because they are marketing adult lingerie for women.  Where A and F really markets to young impressionable kids. It is comsumer bullying.  Telling the bigger kids you are not cool enough for us.  Amy Taylor really said it well in her open letter to Mike Jeffries CEO of  A and F.  There is so much cruelty out there those of us who are lucky faced it in our younger years and used that experience to learn and be become better people.  I raised my kids to stand up to bullies and my youngest now revels in putting bullies in their place.  We can be part of the solution or part of the problem.  I would do anything for all of these kids that have ended their own lives because of bullying to be back here with us so they could have everyone tell them they are worth soooo much and what they are facing now they will look back on and this time and realize it made them stronger.  The internet is an amazing invention especially for the way it has connected people all over the world but there is just this horrible part of it that the meanest,sickest,emptiest people are there too and they must be ignored.  Don't give their words merit.

Mother's Day gift to me

So with May comes the most dreaded time of the year for me. My incredible, irreplaceable, mother-in-law passed away several years ago on Mother's Day and it also was her birthday that year.  So far my husband hasn't fallen into his usual week long funk but I still am anticipating a weekend of reflection.  I am really okay with that too.  One thing about working in retail for any amount of time you really begin to see holidays as days of commercialism and it being all about the sales.  My husband always told our kids from year one we were together that they should celebrate their mothers every day.  I remember one day in my first year as a stepmother calling my own mother on the phone remembering some incident as a child when she attempted me make me a baby doll. I didn't have any and begged and begged even though we didn't have the money.  So she took out the old sewing machine and tried to sew me one out of a black fabric with little white flowers on it.  None of the arms or legs were the same size or shape and the head was twice as large as the body.  I also remember throwing it down and crying saying how ugly it was.  When this memory hit full force with my having a mother's perspective I rushed to the phone.  Sobbing almost hysterically I kept apologizing for the way I had acted.  After about a minute of silence on her end she erupted into laughter say that WAS the ugliest doll ever made and I should not be sorry for that.  We still make jokes now about that doll but the guilt is still there.  No matter how odd looking it was...she made it for me and I should have treasured it.  Now that my stepdaughter is a mother I get that call from her every Mother's Day.  My stepson is a little less reliable but he is like that with all family not just me so I don't take it personally.  But when I do hear from them even if it is just a quick text to me that is the ultimate gift.  My kids are three amazing people who I would do anything for.  And my mother just is in a class all her own among women she is the best.  This year my real gift to myself is just going to be that I cut myself a little slack and do not expect to be the perfect mother, daughter, or wife.  Not that I ever pretend to be that but I do tend to set the expectations a little high at times.  I think we all do.  So really no rants or tirades tonight it's midnight I am soooo zen right now I cannot get fired up about anything.  Now tomorrow I will let loose on a few topics popping up out there.  Watch out Ambercrombie and Bitch...oh Fitch sorry my bad.

Yes I ate the chia seeds

Okay here is the deal.  Whole lotta drama over a misunderstanding in the house tonight.  And I mean huge.  Pretty much everyone at everyone elses throat and yelling screaming and such.   Never in the time we have been here have things been that heated but it's over.  Eyes are red and everyone is quiet and watching their favorite sports on t.v. Have a sneaking suspicion my hubby is not taking or cutting back on his meds.  I will find out by the end of the night.  Right now my son is clinging to his side afraid his dad is going to leave.  I am furious that he would put our son through this.  But I am speaking of it no more because we are good.  On a totally different but connected subject I have been obsessed with a yogurt lately.  Chobani makes a flips yogurt and the most awesome one ever is coconut yogurt with dark chocolate and almonds. I would eat just that yogurt every meal if I could.  They also make a key lime with white chocolate. It's good too. Then there is the honey and banana.  The Target near my house is the only store anywhere I can find these yogurts and the sneaky bastards at chobani decided to get me hooked on the coconut and lime like it was crack then have nothing in stock but the vile honey banana. Gagging thinking about how aweful it was.  So anyway we are not big apology people around here.  We get mad we vent we get over it.  This was a serious argument between sister niece and husband.  Well sister and niece went to Target to get out of the house while I worked things out with husband.  When I texted my sis to let her know we needed to talk her response about 10 minutes later was,"they have new flavors of your yogurt do you want me to get you some?"  This one sentence tells me everything is good.  When I asked what flavors I was surprised to see Blueberry with chia seeds hemp seeds and walnuts and Peach with pistachios and dark chocolate.  So as I sit here typing away with an empty yogurt cup next to me my stomach is making some very odd noises.  Could be the chia seeds...could be the stress.  But it was still better than the damn honey banana.  So I am not up for venting about anything or ranting I am drained of all fight tonight.  The most relaxed I have felt in ages I think. LOL maybe the hemp seeds have mellowed me out.  If thats the case this is my NEW favorite yogurt.

Now I need meds

Be careful what you wish for should be tattooed on the back of my hand somewhere so that I am reminded of it every second of the day.  I have my husband back.  In a way.  Maybe not the guy I met 16 years ago but close to him only a little more obnoxious and with a lot more grey hair.  Always liked older men anyway so the fact that my hubby acted ancient never bothered me too much.  Now he is being downright childlike.  He is also motivated and energetic and doing things around the house he hasn't done since I can remember.  He is funny and attentive and hands down a more involved father.  There are two problems with this.  Three.  It won't last.  He is not taking his meds like he should which is why he has all this energy(I compared him to Robin Williams on speed) but soon he will start being easily aggitated and paranoid and is already showing signs of the manic.  Then will come the low.  And the higher up he is now the lower he will fall later.  So I watch and wait.  Second problem and I really wasn't too aware of it till he pointed it out but I am distant from him right now.  We have discussed this in the past.  I have to put up walls sometimes to not be hurt when he is emotionally gone.  I cannot take it personally that he doesn't do anything with us.  I understand.  But I get used to going places alone.  Quiet time.  Spending my time however I like mostly.  Now he wants to be part of that and it is hard.  I have gone through this adjustment too several times over the years.  Also a reason I know it won't last.  He asked me earlier when I commented about his enthusiasm if I would like him to take his meds and turn him into a zombie.  Of course I don't want that.  Truth is I will play the woman card and say I don't know what I want.  If I had to be truly honest maybe to be single again.  Not so I could date or find someone new.  So I coul be single and just have my son and myself to worry about.  Then as soon as that thought enters my mind I feel guilty for going there.  We are soulmates.  My soulmate just happens to be broken.  How can you mean for better or for worse if you bail during the worse.  Ha ha he's playing Silly Lovesongs in our bedroom right now.  Yes that is my soulmate allright.  We are identical in our taste in music...as long as it is anything made before 1983...Anything after that he listens to crap and I listen to music but oohhhh that is another argument for us.  I am due for my yearly evaluation at work. Another couple of cents thrown my way.  I looked at the face of one of my co-workers today and it broke my heart.  A man in his mid fifties pulling a cart of freight to the salesfloor to put on shelves.  For mindless greedy people to scoop up so this man can make his barely minimum wage paycheck.  The cart was too heavy yet lighter than what we pull behind us like work horses on a daily basis.  There was a despair in his eyes for a split second but I saw it just like I see it on so many people throughout the workday.  Sad stuff running through my mind right now.  Maybe I am the one who should be on meds....Nah!!!!

To the jerkoff who stole my sons coffee...

This is an open letter to the asshole that stole my sons frappucino today at starbucks...I know he won't be reading this but gotta say it.  GROW UP YOU IMMATURE ASS YOU ARE NOT A MAN!  Okay feel a little better.  Backstory, I take my son to the mall and for a coffee run at Starbucks.  He sees the sign for the chocolate cookie something that has chocolate whipped cream on it and decides he wants that.  I order my drink with his and we wait.  There were several other people who had ordered drinks before us and as we waited he was excitedly watching the baristas making the different drinks.  After many other people get their drinks they call mine and I take it then a minute later they set down his and call out what kind it is instead of who it is for.  Ask I start to reach for it this pompous little puffed up prick, probably late 20's reaches out and grabs it and barks, "that's mine!" He was with a few others who already had their drinks but I did not notice if he was before or after us.  The guy making the drinks looks a little startled by the customers rudeness and tells us that was the last one with chocolate whipped cream they have run out.  Asshole grabs the drink and walks out.  My son is sitting there hands in the air going WHAT! That's just great!  I yell out don't be angry with us be mad at the jerk who takes the drink instead of letting the kid have it.  Now it wasn't until we got home that he told me his name WAS written on the cup.  If I had know that I would have told the jerk to back off but because I didn't see the name I wasn't sure whose drink it was an just thought he was a jerk.  Really folks there is just no putting others first anymore it's just me me me me.  What really made it a little sharper of a sting...I took my son to the mall so he could play the crane machines at the game place, he has been saving his money for this.  After about six dollars he won a stuffed animal and proceeded to give it to the boy that had been watching him play( he was maybe about six) so to see him do something so unselfish out of the blue like that I thought the starbucks would be a nice treat.  It is okay though I put a gypsy curse on the drink stealer so he has some bad mojo coming his way.  Family joke(something to do with my sister telling me the gypsies left me on doorstep when I was a baby).  I am waiting for them to come back for me any day now.

No Hollywood Ending

This is an angry, frustrated , pissed off, fed up post so sorry but no more zen tonight.  I used all the feel good happy feelings this morning.  On three seperate occasions I have had to lock myself in the bathroom and have a good cry just to be able to carry on today.  Having one of those days where I just cannot seem to do anything right and am letting everybody down and I realize the reason I enjoy going to my shitty, low paying, physically demanding job is I am good at it and am told every now and then I am good at it and feel appreciated.  It will pass and everyone gets over it and as long as I am good with my son,which I am now, then it's no biggie.  But hubby is in listening to depressing music too loud mood.  I am not up for that.  Yes I finally watched Silver Linings and was disappointed to see they did do the hollywood happy ending.  Not that I don't LOVE Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper and their characters and they had amazing chemistry, thats all true but I felt where his bi polar disorder started off being so true and real and saw so much authenticity in the character once the love story took over and it became about that a lot of the behaviors seemed to be untrue.  I know it's my hang up but the family dynamic was outstanding and especially in the beginning when he is waking up his parents in middle of night and breaking the window soooooo true.  And how people don't want to take the medications that can actually help them because the side effects are aweful.  It was a great movie.  Just didn't give me what I needed in a story.  Yesterday there was an incident at my sons school at the end of day and they were on lockdown for a while.  By the time the news got to me my husband had already confirmed our son was not one of the children injured so I didn't have to go through that panic.  But it is a reminder of how dangerous it is out there for our children.  My husband was the one waiting to get word on him after finding out about it and even though he didn't tell me he got a little scare from it he slept in our sons room last night.  I went in his room about 6 am this morning to find them both asleep with video game controllers in their hands.  I think it did both of them a little bit of good.  I have always been the go to parent.  When my stepson played baseball I was the only parent to go to every single practice and game that year.  I am the one who practiced with him in our yard.  When they need anything or want to do anything I am the one.  Now and then over the years I have pushed them in their fathers direction then given him a good shove and reminded him they need him too.  Maybe today that was part of the problem.  I just want to be a woman for a little bit.  Not sister,wife , mother, boss, or anything else.  Just a woman.  So this blog has totally served it's purpose and I feel I much better than when I started writing.  Even feel my zen returning.

Not really singing in the rain more like screaming like spongebob in full panic mode

I do believe last night I was contemplating having a childhood moment and venturing out into the storm when I signed off here but the stream of lightening flashes made me rethink that idea.  In a perfect case of be careful what you wish for about 20 minutes before I was due to leave work today I heard the downpour begin.  Of course the designated employee parking is in another zip code than our building(maybe exaggerating a little).  So I gathered just outside the doors at work with about 20 other co workers and customers trying to rationalize running out through the parking lot as lightening strikes make it look like some warped kind of video game and I decided what the hell.  One of my friends stops me and offers to drive me to my car to which I laugh and say I have been wanting to play in the rain anyway.  About two car lengths away from the building another crack of lightening and yes I really did let out a scream like a little girl.  I could feel everyone I left behind in the safety of the awning watching and probably thinking damn she's gonna get fried.  Since I did not take my jacket to work or any one of the three umbrellas from the backseat of my car I was a soaking wet shaking dripping mess by the time I actually made it to my car.  My wonderful car that the windshield wipers only run at the slowest speed unless I turn on my right turn signal then they go into overdrive.  No math homework for my son tonight so I can forgo the feelings of complete failure as a mother and simply relax tonight.  Since it is hockey playoff time I am husband free for now.  Not that I don't love to watch my Penguins kicking some ass but I can tell by the amount of times I have heard him clapping from our room they must be doing okay. Need coffee right now want hot chocolate.  Friday we are having an old fashioned bake sale at work to raise money for Children's hospitals and I want to really bring something awesome so working on a cream filling for a cupcake and we will see.  So the clinic that my husband was going to with the awesome psychiatrist that he really connected with has changed management and names and doctors so he is going to be seeing a new doctor and instead of his appointment this week it will be next month. Oh yay. I am just hoping and praying he likes the new doctor.  The last doctor questioned him about why we aren't legally married after all these years and told him he should do it.  Why is it the doctor assumes it is the mans decision on when we make a step like that.  For the record it has been and always will be mine alone to make and we will probably never enter into a legal union but that is not what marriage is about and certainly not our relationship.  Do I wonder sometimes what it would be like to have a wedding,yes, then I think oh yuck don't want that. So hopefully this new doc doesn't go filling his head with goofy ideas.  Coffee time.