I am a big clucking chicken...and I'm okay with that

So I am learning today that there are more than a few things that I have just gotten way too old to do and the newest item on the list is being scared.  I no longer enjoy scary movies.  To most people this would not be such a big deal but for me this is huge.  When my 15th birthday was approaching (sooooo many years ago) my friends and I set a goal that I would have watched 500 horror movies by the big day.  I already had a catalog listing the classics like the original Universal monsters and their spinoffs to Rosemary's Baby and such.  I had viewed most of those it was the newer "slasher" movies I was adding to my collection.  At one time I considered going down the road of movie makeup and special effects artist.  CGI was unheard of and movie gore was created in someones kitchen.  Yes I eventually outgrew it all but every year when Halloween rolled around and the cable channels pulled anything remotely scarey out of the bag I enjoyed that little guilty pleasure of a good scare.  Then horror movies changed.  Movies like Saw, Hostel, and their sequels and such came along and went from a good scare to torture.  I am in noooo way saying those slasher movies from the 80's were any better.  Hell no!  But there were rules.  No killing kids or innocent virgins and the deaths were quick and quite frankly they were really cheesy looking.  Yes there are always exceptions.  Jaws would have never been as suspensful if a kid hadn't been eaten early on.  That moment you saw that scene you knew all bets were off and anyone was fair game.  But for the most part those movies were campy but sometimes creepy.  So tonight I rented a newer movie I had not seen yet.  I had seen the directors other work and knew it would be something different and maybe scary.  What I did not count on was a half hour in turning the movie off.  Why?  Too violent or graphic? Nope I just got tired of sitting there watching something with one eye open waiting for the whatever to jump out and scare the crap out of me.  That is exactly what I told my dear husband when he half woke up to realize I was shutting it down.  So now I am wondering what else is going to change.  Is it age is it maturity or is it a feeling of not wanting to be scared for entertainment.  That zen feeling I have come to find so comforting I do not want to let go of.  So yep I am chicken I admit it.  Maybe this Halloween I will have to stick to the guaranteed classics for a good scare.  Halloween,Exorcist,Night of the Living Dead(original black and white please) and many others.  I will leave that newer stuff to a younger generation that gets it.  So does it all just go downhill from here.  Things like this are the reason women in their 40's have babies when their kids they already have are half grown.  It does not make you younger just crazier.  Right now we have a living room full of laughing screaming teenagers sucking down vast quantities of mountain dew and chinese food.  Should be scary enough for now.  I guess the running theme I have been stuck on lately is that I am feeling old and (more importantly) we need a lot more kindness and good and less violence and cruelty and negativity.  Sounds simple but what's wrong with that.  Be friendly to people you come across in your daily travels.  If you look you may see someone in need of a little boost you can give them. 

Smart T.V. a true oxymoron

I admit I am totally guilty of telling customers at work when they ask whats the difference between a smart t.v. and a regular one that the smart t.v.s only play PBS and the history channel.  Come on you would do it too if given the chance.  But it did get me thinking that television is much like the internet in that there is a vast expanse of information out there but you have to avoid the garbage and junk also screaming for your attention.  So I announced to my husband that I only want educational shows on the television in our bedroom. Hahahahaha.  I told him that didn't exclude the music channels that only play music, not videos and commercials.  So history channel,discovery,disc science,etc.  He didn't really argue too much since if he does watch anything it is history or military channel.  So it occured to me as I was playing one of two games I play online what is the difference between sucking out brain cells in front of the television or in front of the computer.  I do tend to get lost online when I go to look for one thing and the next thing I know I am looking at 6 different sites at once.  Then I had to make an exception for old movies.  Classic movies.  It was AMC running a string of Hitchcock movies that made me realize how unrealistic I was being.  And of course there is football on tonight.  So after three days this experiment is over.   I tried.  But I will not allow any housewives,moonshiners,rednecks(get enough of them at work) or any kind of dance or pagent moms
 on my t.v. so even though its not a smart t.v. it isn't STUPID either.  But really I am no entertainment snob I have guilty pleasure shows and movies just like else.  I have found that as I get older I just don't have the time or energy to devote to following these things.  Another thing that popped into my head on the drive home.  I used to have a crazy imagination.  I was a romantic and daydreamed all the time.  And now I don't have the time or energy for that crap either.  Has "real life" totally beat me down?  Am I doomed to a life of cynicism and no hope.  Maybe the fact that I am realizing this and questioning it is enough to prove I haven't fully succumbed to it.  There is a light I can reach for to escape this bleak exsistance.  One thing about me that has not changed over the years is my ability to realize when I have no idea what is going on(daily) and just accept that.  I never understood the appeal of the show Wife Swap.  Just the premise of the show alone tells you if you sign on to do that show you are going to spend two weeks in a world completely backwards from how you live.  Now I get it.  AHHA.  Escaping to the greener grass and realizing it is just as brown as yours but it's really about getting out of your element for that time.  Trying on someone elses shoes for a moment and for once that actually sounds smart now.  Okay enough thinking I have Vertigo on the DVR.

There are still a few good guys out there

If you had asked me 2 hours earlier what I was about to write about I am sure it would have been something trivial maybe somewhat humorous but definitely not what I am about to write now.   This evening I had one of those reaffirming moments proving to myself that we are meant to be where we are at any given moment.  I clocked out of work on time today.  Never happens on a Sunday.  It was pouring rain.  So hard in fact I could barely see my car in the back of the parking lot.  As I exited the store there were about 15 to 20 people waiting under the awning for the rain to let up.  I normally just go for it and head for my car and look like a drowned rat by the time I get there but for some reason I hung back with the group.  It wasn't lightning just rain and wind.  Next thing you know two or three people try and make a run for it.  And wouldn't you know one of them, a woman in her mid sixties I would say, tripped and went face first into the cement.  I think in that moment everyone let out a collective gasp.  But then as I looked and realized she wasn't getting up and nobody was even attempting to move toward helping her.  So I pushed through the group and started to cross the walkway where she was laying in a pool of water.  By the time I got over to her one man had come out of a car waiting to cross the walkway and two gentlemen with umbrellas came over as well.  It was still pouring down on us but they helped to get her up and into a wheelchair where we took her back in the store and got her cleaned up.  I stayed and helped her fill out a report, had a manager get her a towel to cover up with, she was cold.  Then when she was ready I pushed her in the wheelchair back to her car and tried to make sure she was okay.  It just astounded me that so many people stood and looked on as she lay there.  If that had been my mother on the ground I would like to think someone would have gone to her.  As for the three men that did come over and assist.  They were the angels because it took two of them to get her up off the ground.  I don't know if my faith in humanity is waning or growing with the acts of kindness I see after the bad stuff.  Today it should have been a no-brainer.  Senior citizen falls down, in rain, GO HELP.  I really hope the karma falls on the good side though and the guys that came over to help are rewarded for their kindness.

Too Much of a Good Thing

Saturday...my favorite day off of the week.  When everyone else is home too and we spend our day doing random errands but we are together mostly.  When I don't have to be up at 5 A.M but 6 A.M. instead.  And of course the afternoon lunch with my two favorite chickas even when my sister is being a controlling bossy pain in the ass.  We always have fun.  Today was a little too much of the running from place to place to place.  Driving through four different cities back and forth.  I found myself at a point I didn't want to talk anymore just listen.  I just wanted to go home and climb back into bed.  Not an option when you are sitting in the backseat letting others make the decisions.  It was a good day just too much.  Too much everything.  Is it wrong that by the time Sunday rolls around I look forward to the security blanket of work knowing EXACTLY what I will be doing all day and being in charge of everything around me.  I am missing having my own place and the solitude of being in a room alone in the quiet for even just a little while.  The years I was a stay at home mom I loved my mornings when the kids and husband were out of the house and I could keep the television off and just enjoy the silence.  Depeche Mode was onto something there.  I want to simplify everything.  I have a cousin I am in touch with online who is same age as me.  In the last few years she has turned her life around going natural and green and healthy.  She now grows the majority of food for her family.  They go to local dairy for milk and such that is all hormone free.  She looks amazing and most of all happy.  I realized I strive to have that.  I love my family but it is all about what are we buying this week here.  We are a nation of consumers.  I want to stay out of that circle as much as I can.  I have been considering more and more the suggestion that I move up a level at work.  It would be more a matter of waiting for the right opening to come along but I think I should.  I have said that the position I am in now allows me to be more creative but the reality is I still spend more days than not hating my job.  I still feel like a hamster on a wheel and if that is the case why not try and get a bigger wheel.  So I have to start putting it out there that I am ready to take that next step and move up.  The payoff...possibly making enough money to live off of, modestly of course.  Then again maybe major life decisions should not be made having drunk a cappucino, hazelnut macciato, and three cups of really strong coffee.  I tend to get a little impulsive.  Let's see how I feel tomorrow when I am in charge of the hamster cage for the day.

Cruelty needs to stop now

No focus is not one of my strengths but I will attempt to use it today.  First thing I HAVE TO get out there is What the hell is wrong with people!?  Once again in the news a case of a 12year old girl killing herself because she felt she could not live with the bullying. TWELVE YEARS OLD and she had been bullied for years.  To the point her parents pulled her out of elementary school and home schooled her for some time before she went to middle school.  We are raising little killer pit bull children out there that cannot see the damage they are doing to other human beings here.   So who do we place the blame on in this situation?  Do we blame the kids doing the bullying, assuming they are about the same age as this young girl.  At 12 we have a full sense of what it means to be mean to someone and to hurt someone.  Do they realize the long term damage they inflict, probably not, but they are VERY aware of the pain right here and now.  So yes.  Do we blame the parents of said kids for (1) not being aware of what their children were up to.  The first time she was being bullied it was physical in-your-face bullying. This last time it was cyber bullying.  And yes if you take your child off the internet they don't see the mean things people say but as soon as you send that child to school everyone around them has seen these things and will tell the person.   Parents need to realize letting your child roam free online unsupervised is the equivalent of dropping them off in the middle of the city at night alone and saying "do whatever you are on your own".  or (2) they knew and allowed their children to treat another person this way and maybe are the person who created the bully by being one themselves.  Again, training little pit bull children. Teaching them to spot a persons weakness and tear them apart.  I see this daily at work.  Adults who treat their children worse than dogs and children who know nothing but cruelty.  So yes they are at fault too.  There is no shortage of antibullying messages out there in the mainstream media.  There could be more but I think what we really need is a focus on reaching those children who are suffering and helping them.  Helping them to see that there is life after middle school and high school and nobody should EVER have the kind of power over our lives to the point they decide we are not worth living.  Empowerment.  Not just living but thriving.  Taking back the power the bullies have and saying NO MORE! Letting that girl or boy know they are beautiful and loved and unique and they have the whole world ahead of them.  The best revenge really is living well.  Being happy.  I was a bullied teen.  Ages 12,13 and 14 the worst.  The hell years.  Feeling worthless and buying into all the evil things that people said and did.  I tried avoiding it.  Making myself invisible.  When pushed to the point I could no longer miss school I was forced to go to school principal.  Still remember to this day sitting in the office with three of the ringleaders of a group of about 15.  To hear their fake proclamations of surprise and shock that they thought I was their friend and how I must have misunderstood the situation they actually liked me.  Of course the principal bought everything they said hook line and sinker and the bus ride home was worse than ever after that.  Even after making friends the next year and finding people I connected with and starting to come out of my shell the damage was done.  The complete lack of self worth and feeling of despair was enough I tried to take my own life.  The worst thing I have ever done but it was the beginning of turning things around too.  Sitting in an emergency room looking at the pain on my parents faces I knew that suicide would never be an option.  I remember the doctors in the er scolding me telling me how selfish I was for trying that and I thought they were cruel and had no idea but it eventually sunk in they were right.  What scares me is if I had succeeded.  I had no idea at 14 the turns my life would take.  I would have missed out on my children and husband and friends and jobs and celebrations and a million moments that would not have happened or I would not have been there for.  This is the stuff we need to get through to these children that are hurting.  And I wonder...even though they don't deserve the thought but what about the people that bullied this girl.  What was their reaction to this.  Will they live with the guilt of this for the rest of their life or are they so disconnected from humanity did they laugh it off.  If that is the case they will continue. What are we as humans if not the sum of our actions.  How we treat each other. 

Kleenex,hot tea,and nyquil I love you

Yes I did celebrate a little early when the month of July came and went and no sign of my annual summer cold that hits me.  Imagine my disappointment when last Wednesday I arrived at work feeling wonderful and by 2 P.M. that day felt as if I had swallowed barbed wire.  By the time I arrived home that evening had a fever of 105 and my face looked like a beet.  So last Thursday I took a sick day to recoup.  My gamble did pay off because instead of this being one of those long lingering colds with drawn out stages of misery it seems to be running it's course quickly and I am already in the final stage with that horrible dry cough that nothing seems to stop,except nyquil my best friend. Not that the suffering is in any way over.  My mother and I are both in the final stages of our colds and my husband sister and as of this morning my son are all feeling the sore throat start.  Sorry guys but I cannot live in a bubble.  Aside from the one sick day I took I worked the last  eight days straight and am loving my two consecutive days off.  It is a luxury I don't enjoy too often.  Unlike some of my coworkers who enjoy not only two days off together but they are the much coveted Saturday and Sunday.  Bitches.  Yes I had to let that ugly side out...it's the cold medicine talking. So the last week has been a cornucopia  of much talked about subjects that I have been to weak to comment on.  Anyone who did not know what twerking was before pretty much knows now.  You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.  But how much of these displays are genuine misguided judgement or just an attempt to make headlines and get some attention.  With all the celebrity train wrecks out there you have to really up your game to get the top tending spot.  To be continued...

Best first day of school

It was truly an awesome day with my son starting high school.  I know I was a hundred times more worried than he was.  We survived the day without a scratch.  And I only had about 15 forms to fill out or sign.  He had no homework of course, let the parents set the example.  There were doubts about my ability to get everything signed and put in its proper place since, according to my father, I am a prognasticator.  Yes I spelled that correctly prognasticator.  At least that is what my husband laughingly shared with me as I tried to lay down for a quick 5 minutes before doing all my homework.   So I quickly picked my butt back up off of my bed and returned to my stack of papers.  I love proving people wrong and even though I am a PROCRASTINATOR I was determined to set a good example for my son.  Makes up for the whole losing him at Disney incident I think.  So everything is crazy at work and we are as understaffed as I have ever seen and morale is at an all-time low.  One of my girls told me she tried when she went home last night after her shift out of frustration.  I love my job and I get frustrated even mad as hell about the way things are but I told her you cannot bring that stuff home.  When I walk through those doors in the morning I put home out of my head and when I clock out for the day I leave that place behind.  I have to admit a part of me is secretly thrilled that my son is taking art this year.  He is taking a few courses I think are great but ART..he has never shown an interest in art before.  I always tried to nudge him that way but he was never interested in it.  Maybe because I always felt the pressure to pursue art as a career I did not want to do that to him.  So yes I am living a little vicariously through him sue me.  Is it totally weird that since I ate at the french restaurant a few days ago I have been seriously craving some french food.  Lots of cheeses and fruits.  Hopefully it's just a phase.  Kind of like the hot sauce cravings I just got over.  Ohh somone is asking if I will cook for them...hmmmm

Good Morning Starshine

There is nothing quite as eye opening as waking up and turning over to put your arm around the man you love and BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ the sound of someone(my 70 year old father maybe) weed whacking the grass right outside my bedroom window.  It is especially funny since we have had daily downpours for 2 months and the yard is a swamp. Is this why I am usually happy to be working on Monday, I think so.  But bless his heart he is out there trying to cut the soggy mushy lawn we have.  I must venture out into the realm of idiots and maniacs today to find my son a backpack.  Yes school starts tomorrow and I have know what day it starts for 3 months and yes I work in a retail establishment that sells backpacks.  But really what fun is that being all prepared and ready for things.  So am I in the idiot or maniac category...would love to say maniac but probably both since I put this off.  It is a beautiful sunny morning and the day is full of possibilities.  First possibility is my son having a cup of ice water poured on his sleepy little head if he does not get up.  I have already been accused by my husband of being in "bitch mode".  He said it jokingly but in 17 years he still has not learned that labeling me like that(especially before I have had coffee) is just inspiration to behave that way, toward him anyway.  Mean wife that I am I did not get up and make him any breakfast.  Hahaha.  He settled for apple pie.  Didn't really have to twist his arm there.  My husband would is a junk food junkie.  Since his meds have pretty much been cut in half by the doctor he had for one visit that won't be treating him again I have another month of bi polar man way more awake and alert and high strung and all of the other wonderful personality traits that the medications try to suppress.  To be completely honest I see more of the man I met and fell in love with now. But the flip side of that is the anxiety and rage and depression and manic moments.  Walking on eggshells is an artform I have mastered.  A while back I was at a friends house while she was bickering with her husband and they tried to draw me into it and I swiftly drew a neutral line.  He told me I was quite the diplomat and I responded that I had to be.  Plus I am not one of those people who likes drama or conflict.  Some people thrive on it...not me.  I want everybody to be happy.  But I see the lack of my physical presence is fooling my kid into thinking he can still lay in bed like a lump so it is time to get up and crack the whip.  Not everyone around here sees the sun shining and hops right out of bed to start the day...well my dad does anyway to bad its not him I have to take shopping instead of the 14 year old.

What the heck is in Turkish Delight?

What to hell were we thinking.   I know that theme parks in Fla are meant for tourists and locals who have built up a high tolerance to heat that is the equivalent of standing on the freaking sun.  Why oh why did I let my big sister pressure me into attempting a day at a Disney park when I have a pass good till next June.  So we did some future world stuff then hit Canada(eh).  The dead bird in front of the souvenier shop didn't think it was the happiest place on earth, or maybe thats just the Magic Kingdom.  Next London.  By then my poor son was making 15 minute trips to bathroom and just miserable.  Oh and the sister and I had decided we were going to taste something in each country but wasn't really into the maple stuff in Canada.  In London we tried Turkish Delight.  Anyone who has read Narnia knows about Edmunds love of Turkish Delight, how bad could it be.  OH YUCK! Wanted to scrape the taste buds from my tongue to get that taste out of my mouth.  The fish and chips basket we shared between 4 of us though was wonderful.  Half a piece of fish an 3 chips each but it was enough to make it over to France.  I wanted to spend all day there but by then my son was just a miserable mess so we tried sitting down for a real lunch and cold drinks and resting.  Didn't help.  Poor thing didn't realize baguette is french for "bread you cannot bite through".  So we were going to leave.  My sister not ready to throw in towel suggested we go inside one of the innovation buildings and sit and let the kids do their thing.  We cooled off and rested for a while...so long in fact my son wanted to ride one more ride before we left.  So he walked across the way to get in a line with a 20 minute wait and we went inside the shop to look around.  Next thing I know my sister mentions it has been an hour since he went on a 2 minute ride with 20 minute wait.  Mom panic set in.  Any mom reading this knows mom panic is that moment you don't know where your child is and all the horrible things start to run through your head.  But he is 14 and had a cell phone on him so why panic.  All calls were going straight to voicemail and texts were unanswered.  Mom panic gets more intense.  After some looking my sister has the state of mind to check guest relations.  Where my son is filling out a form describing his mother and aunt and cousin.  So I lost my child at disney.  Bad mom award goes to...me.  His phone was not getting signal so although he carried it all day it was useless when we needed it.  I realized next time we go we follow the plan my parents made my sister and myself follow when we were kids,with no cellphone either.  Everybody has a map and you meet at a spot at a certain time and if  you get seperated you wait in a certain spot for them.  Relying too much on technology not a good thing.  Tomorrow is the last day of summer and I am going to savor every second of it.  Cannot say I have had the full privilage of raising a high schooler.  My step daughter moved in with her mother her first year of high school.  Her second year she lived with us until she decided at 16 she was an adult and could take care of herself when she ran away.  She moved in with a boyfriend and got a job, then moved in with her step father. When she moved back in with us again she was 19 and pregnant.  My stepson on the flip side took the exam for his diploma at 16 then enrolled in college courses.  So this is my first real experience with a high schooler.  I think I am more scared than he is.  Mom panic is setting in again.  Think I need a hug from my kid.

Fighting Sleep

It might not be wise to write while I am as physically and mentally exhausted as I am but wisdom is not really one of my strong points anyway.  It has been a long long long day.  Workrunning errands, shopping,shopping and more shopping.  Just got in. It wouldn't be so bad but tomorrow it's up at sunrise to head to Disney.  Last hurrah before school starts next week.  Then I am back at work Sunday morning.  Work is imploding.  We go through these phases where everything gets out of control and we are struggling so hard to keep up with the amount of freight we receive daily plus our lack of staff.  It is all throughout the company from what I hear.  I love the comraderie at work but when so many people are feeling defeated it is hard to not let it get to you.  The almighty profit wins at all costs.  Nation of Change just ran an excellent piece on profit yesterday by Allan Goldstein about the Unlovely Profit Motive.  It rang so true from the point of view of someone living inside the machinery that keeps the  corporate cogs turning.  But I am not in that serious mood tonight.  Friday night shopping with my mom and sister tends to lighten the mood.  Yes a lot of the joking is aimed at me but I am cool with it.  Someone has to be the black sheep of family right.  Just realized it is almost 11p.m. and the smell of coconut coffee is fresh in the air.   If there is anything as comforting as the smell of fresh coffee I don't know what it is.  Wow my son just came barreling out of his room he is the ultimate energy vampire but it is hard to kill that enthusiasm he has for everything.  We need so much more of that in the world.  He doesn't cut me any slack and calls people out when they are full of shit.  That is something you can't teach.  When I brought home White House Down and G.I Joe for my husband to watch while we are gone my son just stared at me and said,Why Mom? Mindless formulaic, lack all originality and plot dribble."  lol I just looked at him and said," It's for dad." Of course we are not cinema snobs, how could we be after SHARKNADO.  It is late now and I feel my mind mixing up a batch of brain soup that I will keep to myself tonight.  So it is best if I say,Adieu.

I swear my next post will not be so cynical

Been trying to find my happy place all morning but some days if really feels like everybody is out to defeat you.  Normally on a day like that I take a "f-u" attitude and it's really easy to be positive out of spite.  BUT today I just feel drained.  Sapped of all energy or will or fight.  Within 10 minutes of finishing my last post hubby came out of his cave and we commenced to arguing about his perception that I am not backing him up enough with his pharmacist and the clinic he goes to and that I should be fighting on his behalf.  I was actually silenced by this accusation.  Seventeen years of having his back I was really hurt by this.  But again it was his perception and no matter how wrong it was it was how he felt.  We talked things out and he even accompanied me to go pick up his medications which normally I do all of that alone so it was a nice change.  In reality though today ended up being one of those days I needed to get the hell away from everyone and every thing.  So I wonder maybe what the world needs is a "fight club" for moms.  Women can just get together and get our aggression out on each other and then return home and put on our aprons and smiles and all is good.  Okay that is a little condescending but you get the idea.  A club for women to just go wild and throw caution to the wind and hope it doesn't fly back in your face.  First rule of Wife Club...nobody talks about Wife Club.  Maybe then you wouldn't have to have shows like Snapped where ordinary women go wild and kill.  No there are always going to be a few "crazy bitches" in the world to ruin it for all of us.  On a totally unrelated note but it's in my head and I have to share  I opened a box at work yesterday for one of the other supervisors because it said Urgent Rush to Salesfloor and I was really thrown back.  Duck Dynasty panties.  Not your big granny panties but little colorful lacey panties with the faces of the bearded fellas from the show on them.  Now I have not watched an episode of the show but working in a rural area I have my fare share of merchandise from this show on my sales floor because it is hot as heck right now.  But Panties?  Is that really what ANY man wants to look at when his wife/girlfriend/baby momma or whatever pulls off her cut-off jeans.  It's all kind of icky to think about but honestly it is also freakin hysterical.  Mass merchandising at it's finest.  I have been saying all along they should do a Real Housewives of the Trailer Park and maybe for the Bachelor they can find an eligible man in prison looking for his letter writing soul mate to have some conjugal time with.  Instead of the show about finding bigfoot that is going to offer a million dollar prize to someone who can prove his existence how about whenever a child is abducted there is an automatic one million dollar reward for the person responsible and the safe recovery of that child.  How many unsolved cases would we have then.  And the best idea swimming around in my amped up brain right now...let's expose EVERY single elected official and EVERY single government agency for the lies, scams, frauds, deceptions that they perpetrate daily.  And then let's actually hold some people accountable for their actions.  I realize this means we might not have ANYONE left to run our government but isn't that the case now anyway.  Oh that just felt good to say.  We are a social media/networking generation and we need transparency in our government.  Checks and balances do not work anymore.  Who even remembers learning about it in school.  Each branch of government created to keep the others in check.  No absolute power in anyone's hands.  Oh I will probably end up on some government watch list just for suggesting this.  What the hell.  But folks if a sinkhole mysteriously swallows my house one night I call government conspiracy. Joking!...uh yeah joking

Husband for sale...cheap

Well it is official there is not one inch of space in our bedroom now and one of us has to go, either him or me...ok him.  My beloved went into our storage unit to recover our old desktop computer.  Now keep in mind that stuff has been in storage for over five years.  The computer was bought about three years before that so basically it is a fossil.  But he wanted the computer in our bedroom so I agreed.  Well it would have been too simple to take the computer desk we had in storage also so he decided to take the table we had...the kitchen table...that sits 4-6 people.  It had not been used as an actual kitchen table for years since I turned it into a project one summer and decided to paint Van Gogh's Starry Night across the top of the table.  One of the best summers I remember sitting on our deck in the backyard with my youngest who was about three and as I would paint on the table he had a section to paint as well.  My older children would lay in the hammock or sometimes help me but it was always blissful.  So I love this table.  I have already made it clear it stays with me forever.  But in my bedroom.  That we already have waaaaaaaaayyy too much stuff in.  I figure at 40 cent an hour raises one a year(thats if I earn the full raise instead of 20 or 30 cents) then I should be able to afford our own place by about 2020.  We did manage to get the fossil started up but had to completely wipe everything from it to get it to work so I am hoping I somewhere in that creepy spidery storage shed is a box with all of our photos and video that I burned to disc before I up and left 5 years ago.  It doesn't seem real sometimes that I came back here to get a summer job where my family could help with my son and I could save a few dollars as my husband (going through a total breakdown) got things in order up there and was to find us a new place to live and find himself a real job.  I never did believe he would settle down here with me.  Even though I wouldn't trade a second of the experiences I have had living here again being with my sister and parents and my job I have and friends I have made I am sorely missing my children in Virginia and my granddaughter. She starts kindergarden this year and I feel like I should be there.  Yes my daughter has her real mother who just moved back to Va but I should be there too.  For the twelve years I lived in VA I missed Florida everyday  but I knew that was where I belonged.  And for the last five years I have known this was where I belonged.  Now I am not so sure.  I have to remind myself one of the reasons I neede my family here was I could not deal with my husbands depression alone anymore.  There was no support system and by the time I left I had fallen into a horrible depression myself.  I am still trying to lose the excess weight I packed on during that dark time.  There was a little part of me when I saw that sinkhole in Orlando that was relieved because if Florida is going to just sink into the ocean I can move up north and even get my family here to come with me.  Selfish yes but it was only a brief thought.   It is already 10 am so I missed my early morning exercise before the wall of humidity moves in.  And since I have been informed that I am going to Disney this weekend today is really the last day I have to spend with my son before he starts school next week.  I predict a day of him kicking my ass at video games I was playing before he was born and 7-11 slurpee runs.  Not a bad day I guess.

All the rats at work are jumping ship.  Found out my left hand man(yeah I'm a leftie) has decided to leave apparel and go work in another part of our store.  She is one of the few people I work with I look forward to seeing.  I am not surprised and I am fully aware of why she asked for the transfer but we are losing two more dependable workers  to move to other areas as well. Change is a good thing I am told often.  I was approached again by a member of higher management about moving to a position that is becoming available.  It is an equal position it just would take me completely away from the clothing and merchandising that i love so.  If I want to move up at any point I have to have experience with other areas besides my own.  Then I go back to the issue I had yesterday...why move up if it is not a job I would like.  So random change of subject here but I was reading earlier that one of the resorts in Orlando is being swallowed up by a sinkhole.  Another freakin sinkhole.  As a child we lived in Illinois until I was almost 6 years old and I remember thinking even then the one good thing about Florida was as far as natural disasters are concerned hurricanes are way less scary than tornadoes.  I can still remember times of hiding in our basement and my sister telling me a tornado was a kid snatching monster that if I got too close to the little window by the ceiling it would reach in and take me.  Good times.  But now I am starting to think northern territory is looking pretty good.  That sinkhole that swallowed the guy up in his bed was not very far from here and we are about an hour away from Orlando so what do you do.  We have little sinkholes all over the place here and there but to be swallowing a resort.  Not even sure if I want to go to Disney this weekend as planned.  So maybe there is a big rat jumping ship trend here.  If Florida starts to sink into the ocean I guess I go back up north. 

Selling out or surviving?

It is that awe inspiring time of the evening when everything starts to glow from the setting sun.  Magical, peaceful,precious.  Just like I believe every breath is a blessing I think every moment we get like this should be savored and taken in for as long as possible.  I am fully aware there are far too many people out there right now not able to enjoy anything, even something so simple as the color of the sky.  I wonder if all people are contradictions in general or do they mostly know who and what they are and stay that course.  I am an artist.  Someone who has always gone against what is expected.  Sometimes to my own detriment but I cannot stand being told what I should do or who I should be.  I hate big business and corporate bullies and corruption and dishonesty and lack of integrity.  The most beautiful thing in the world is seeing one human being reach out and help another human being in a totally selfless way.  I despise selfies and people who twitter every minute action of their lives, and "reality t.v." no such thing. Meanness and injustice.  Yet because I have a child to care for and would like him to live in a neighborhood without bullets flying through the walls regularly I compromise those beliefs.  I work for big business.  I put my mind and body through hoops each day 40 hours a week so I can make just above minimum wage.  But I do really enjoy most of my job.  The creative part more than anything but yes I do like being in charge.  Today being Sunday I was one of the very few managers who works on Sunday and so I was alone in my being in charge of the chaos that is the backroom of my areas and my sister managers areas too.  I had three sales associates to help me deal with pallet after pallet of freight.  These women are wonderful.  I know how little I make so I know they make less.  Yet they worked as if they made 50 dollars an hour.  They took pride in what they accomplished.  I try to make sure that I thank them for how much they give every day.  But how do I reconcile my hate and distrust of these corporations with the fact that I sit at meetings every week and listen to how lucky I am to work for a company that is like family and looks after it's members.  I want to expose all of the hypocrisy and show how greedy they really are but on the flip side I feel like a stepford wife.  If the other robot wives realize i am not truly one of them I will be cast out(fired).  Not saying I know of any great wrongs going on at work but how many people have we heard of that made an innocent comment on a social networking site about their job only to find out they no longer had a job because of it.  Maybe I was so not surprised by the revelations of spying by the NSA and any other government agencies because I work in an environment of big brother watching.  Ack it's all too heavy in my head right now.  Need a good cup of joe and some feel good music.  One day I will learn to say hell no when they ask if I can come in at 5a.m.  The only motivation is that I get to leave by 2p.m.  Possibly. 

Juicy Booty Overload

Saturday is my fun day with all of the running around we do and it being my one weekend day I escape from retail hell to be a consumer but sometimes I just really love the vegging out part of the day.  Between the park for a workout and grocery shopping for the week and then running around to pick up odds and ends I have probably been to about seven different stores today.  One thing was there no matter how upscale or how low brow the establishment was...booty advertising.  Yes one or two words written across the ass of someones shorts or pants.  Flirt, sweet, sassy, brat, and oh my favorite JUICY.  Why the hell does someone want to advertise they have a JUICY ass and if they do they shouldn't need to have it written on their clothing it should be obvious.  And really having the word JUICY written across your butt is the equivalent of having the word itchy written across the crotch of your panties.  Is it really an appropriate adjective.  Now I can maybe understand a 19 year old college student in her physical prime putting it out there.  Not saying it's okay just that I understand BUT my second problem comes with the booty graffiti being worn by mothers out with their children.  Oh now we just entered into a yuck factor on a different.  And for anyone thinking it is just trashy low income women indulging in this form of self promotion one lady was loading her 500 stroller into her Mercedes with her children as she let the world know she was NAUGHTY.  Can we really blame the women who wear these things or is it the manufacturers fault.  They know it's wrong just as wrong as making flesh colored leggings for women in a size 28.  And they know some dumbass woman who does not own a full length mirror or possibly any self esteem will buy them.  I must add I am not saying a size 28 women should not wear leggings either just not ones that make you look like you are not wearing pants at all.  Was feeling a little uninspired last night but it is funny what hearing some music by some of your favorite artists will do.  Creativity and imagination are most certainly not dead they just have to be pursued sometimes.  And other times it is nice to hear recommendations from others who have different tastes. 

Best coffee ever

Finally I have survived the week and made it to my one pitiful day off for the weekend.  So far I have managed to do NOT A DAMN THING and it really does feel pretty good.  Yesterday did two workouts and went bowling with two of my favorite guys.  No John Cusack was busy so I went with my sasquatch and our teenage terror.  It was a belated birthday thing for our son so my hubby could not escape.  I have bowled about three times in the last twenty years so it was a refresher and this was the first time I bowled without alcohol and I learned that although I like to bowl, sober I get tired of it after one and a half games.  The twenty-somethings next to us seemed to be having more and more fun with each pitcher of beer they drank.  My goal was for they guys to have a good time and they did.  School is on the horizon but so is football season.  The other thing I miss living in the sunshine state is not have real seasons.  I am 100% a fall and winter girl.  Yeah I know I said before about how much I love the heat here and the humidity but it would be nice if summer only lasted about 3 or four months not 9 or 10.  I needed a good day yesterday...work has been challenging(dreadful) and I know when I am working and also envisioning ways to quit that have never been done before it is time for a break.  Feels like nothing is original anymore.  Music,movies,books.  All of the same stories have been told in so many ways I am searching for that something new.   While on my lunch break I had a conversation with a few of my female coworkers and we all concluded that all of our husbands tell the same story of how when they met us we were so quiet and shy and sweet and now...we are loud and speak our minds and not so sweet.  So it is obvious it isn't us it is them.  They turned us into these creatures.  Maybe why men who can afford it are always trading in their first trophy wives for seconds then thirds and so on.  They change these women with the way they treat them then when they don't like what the woman has become trade her in for one that hasn't been worn down.  New and shiny.  I say men who can afford it because your average joe cannot afford to just up and leave so they learn to either love the new you or they just keep a woman on the side.  Now I am in no way saying men are the baddies here and women are angels.  I know plenty of women that seem to think that way.  Coffee has about 13 minutes of sitting on the burner after it is brewed before its flavor starts to change.  I am sitting here drinking the most delightful cup of chocolate coffee I have made.  I know if I go over and pour another cup it won't taste the same but I have learned to love the taste of the old strong coffee.  I just love it in a different way from the first cup taste.  People need to learn to love that old,overcooked, concentrated almost bitter person that their spouce has become.  You create the monster...you live with it.  Maybe it's not that we change that much at all we are just trying too hard in the beginning to be pleasing.  I have an early morning workout tomorrow but I am righting the urge to climb into bed.  I know the sheets are cold and it is dark and peaceful but damn then you wake up and the night is gone.  I am not ready for my baby to start high school in a few weeks.  I worry about him so much and I don't know why. Yes I do my first year of high school was horrible.  Second year was amazing.  Third year was sad.  When I started high school it was 10th grade so the age gap wasn't too terrible.  Now they start in 9th and he is so small for his age.  It isn't like when I was in school and if you had a problem with someone you fought.  Now a group of kids sneak up on you and set you on fire or beat you on the bus or any other chicken shit way.  On the good and bad side of that I have raised a kid who will speak his mind if he sees someone who needs defending.  He will not turn the other way even if it puts the target on his back.  Makes me so proud I cannot put that into words but I know not everyone appreciates that either.  Speaking of high school just a little flash of something that just is driving me nuts but the store I work in has started playing music.  Oh yeah music.  Although I would love to be happy about the music my brain cannot process listening to Violent Femmes(yes I know I am dating myself,don't care love em) and then playing Justin Beiber for the very next song.  Or Beatles then Michael Bolton.  Come on guys.  It is like some kind of psychological toture they are doing.  What's so bad is now I hear one of the good songs I love and instantly I associate it with ear torture.  Do they have no shame?  I think what happened is they tried to pick some songs that EVERYBODY would like so they let a collection of people pick a few songs each and one or two really cool people got their choices in there with about a dozen doucebags.  Just my theory.  Yes I should be grateful for the few tidbits of music I get to hear in a 9 hour workday but it's just not that simple.  Gonna go drink some old chocolate coffe now that has been on the pot for over an hour.  Gotta love it too.

Quiet night in the house tonight and I for one am glad.  Needless to say two of us(my son and I) had a blast Saturday for cheesey movie night.  My husband was a little whiney about the ridiculousness of the movie but that was the whole point of choosing it.  Exercise is done for the night and my son is in seventh heaven with his birthday present I gave him a little early.  I paid almost 60 dollars for a video game that I think I paid twenty for when it was brand new.  That was about 15 years ago and this was a collectors edition so I caved.  We had an incident at work over the weekend when I was off.  Finally caught someone stealing that it had been suspected for quite some time.  It happens but this was one of my people that I was in charge of and that just eats at me a little.  All the time spent trying to teach someone stuff and the lies and deceipt it just bothers me.  I had been aware of the nature of this person for a while but still.  It all goes back to integrity.  She had none.  And when I catch you in a lie about one thing what else are you lieing about.  We always say integrity is about what you do when you think nobody is looking.  So true.  A little sorry I missed seeing them take her out of the building in cuffs but she was a cryer whenever she got caught doing anything wrong so I know she would have really let loose then so probably good I missed it.  I don't deal well with crying.  Don't know what to say to people.  Sometimes it gets misunderstood for being cold but thats not it.  If I could stop someone from hurting I would.  Looking around the house everybody is hooked up to a device of some kind.  Phone,tablet,computer.  Miss the days with my kids when we unplugged for about two years...no phone,cable,or internet.  It was beautiful.  Back then I was a stay at home mom with three young kids and things were so simple.  If we needed to use the phone we walked to the nearest payphone.  In the evening we all sat down to dinner and talked.  Now if I forget to take my phone to work with me I am going through withdrawl within an hour.  The evening sky is a dark purple right now with storms in the distance and little flashes of lightening reflecting off the glass.  Oh lightening may be time to shut down my device and go stir up some trouble in the house.

Big fat almond head

My husband has a head the shape of an almond.  Not a pointy one but an almond with smoothed edges.  This was not my observation but his.  Why is this a new revelation you ask, possibly because  I attempted to cut his hair yesterday.  Yes I said attempted.  Let me clarify I like a guy with hair on his head.  I do not like long hair. I like it short and clean cut.  His had been taking on a certain sasquatchy look and in spite of my reassurances that I cannot cut hair he insisted I do it.  After an hour of careful snipping and cutting I actually had it looking the way I like it.  Then for whatever reason I cannot explain (temporary demonic possession) I grabbed the clippers and proceeded to cut it straight over his head from front to back.  Leaving a path like I had run over a patch of grass that hadn't been mowed in months with a new mower.  It took me all of 2 minutes to finish the "haircut" with the clippers.  So now I am stuck with almond head until it grows out again.  Needless to say my son will be going next week and having a trained professional cut his unruley locks.  Watching the two of them wrestling as I write this they look like an escaped convict and a feral child raised by wolves.  Oh my family.  All of the women were gone today except for yours truely so I got the honor of cooking for my two knuckleheads plus the brother in law and my father.  When I cook I try to do something special and make it visually appealing as well as delicious.  Watching the pack descend upon the food like a pack of wild hyenas on an injured zebra was a little disheartening.  But I did get four grunts of mmmm Good!  At least I think that is what they said.  Some years ago I was working as a nanny.  I took care of two girls being raised by a single father.  At that time my stepdaughter was living elsewhere so it was me living with my hubby and our two boys.  my employer and I always joked we could just trade places and I live with the girls and he could go live with my guys.  Girl time is something I miss.  Too much testosterone around here for my liking.  Feel like I am ready to start designing some jewelry again.  That creative block has been pretty much cleared out I am anxious to see what I can create.  It is that point in the summer where I am getting days mixed up and cannot remember if it is Saturday or Sunday.  They are all the same.  Random thought here but why do people refer to their shoes by the name.  My Toms are getting muddy, I need to slip on my Sperry's.  They are shoes not children...no really as much as some women love them they are JUST SHOES.  Okay pet peeve to mention here.  Maybe I am overly sensitive but why do I have to tell my husband ten, eleven, oh twenty times to stop doing something before he quits.  And even then it is only because I finally yell,"STOP!"  It is always something small he does but DAMN he knows exactly which button to push.  Some days I think he really just wants me to kill him and put him out of his misery.  Not gonna happen.  I know part of it is he is making excuses to come over to me and see what I am writing on the computer because he is banned from my blog...hahaha.  My last sanctuary.  When I was in my early twenties I was attracted to men in their 40's and up.  Yeah yeah girl with father issues but I was okay with it.  I always said I liked that older men didn't act like little children the way men in their early 20's did.  Hahaha.  I am married to a 45 year old child.  It isn't a second childhood because to be in your second childhood you have to finish the first childhood.  Yep and I am being summoned because it is Saturday night and my son has decided we are watching Sharknado for fun tonight.  If this is my last entry it is because at some point to escape the movie I have pulled my eyes from the sockets.  Okay to tell the truth have already watched it once because well when you cannot sleep at two am and have had a lot of coffee it's better than infomercials.

Day off...I don't think so

So today is my day off and I have a relaxing day planned of cooking,laundry,cleaning and my very favorite thing in the world...being teacher to my son so maybe he can finish his online summer school before the regular school year begins.  I promised him I would work with him today and we would spend the day just doing assignments.  Will be a test of my patience and of my ability to stay focused since we all know around here he gets his short attention span from me.  This would be my morning wake up post I guess.  There is a gnawing little issue bugging me too.  Recently I reached an anniversary of sorts at work and received a little recognition for that but it brought up the subject with my husband of complacency.  I do really enjoy certain aspects of my job.  Most aspects.  The parts I don't like are the ones that involve dealing with the high school drama of my coworkers.  The work itself is challenging.  The people suck.  Well the possibility of my moving up a rung on the corporate ladder has been discussed a few times at work with various managers and I am flattered but I am not interested.  I am not afraid.  I know I am qualified and I could take on the next position and even excel at it.  But I don't want it.  Moving to that next level means leaving behind the part of my job I really love and assuming more of the parts I do not like.  It's the equivalent of going from being a teacher in a classroom where you love the interacting with your students to being an administrator and losing that and getting caught up in the non teaching part of the system.  I am happy where I am right now.  Husband says I am being complacent and holding myself back out of fear or whatever other reason I have.  I told him I am offended by that.  In my mind complacency equals laziness.  Something I dare anyone to accuse me of.  Do I want to be doing the job I am doing now ten years from now...probably not.  This is the longest I have stayed at any one job but I know if I were to walk away from it I could do it with no regrets.  In all honesty I would rather be making my jewelry or painting or writing or blowing glass even.  This is not the road I planned on but when you make life decisions by the seat of your pants you cannot really complain when you end up somewhere different.  Too bad I don't really drink I could use one about now.  The sky opened up this morning and the rain was awesome then it just stopped.  Now the sky is grey and everything is soaked and I want it to keep raining all day.  Making a kickass squach soup for lunch today. One of the few creative outlets I have left that is completely encouraged by my family.  It sounds completely aweful but I can understand those women that take off and run away in the middle of the night.  Escape that's a good word.  There isn't a day that I am driving home from work that I don't consider going straight instead of turning left on the road that brings me home.  There are places and people I would go visit from my past or new ones to explore but I do always make the right decision in the end and return home.  Not saying abandoning your family is right but I understand the urge.  Okay enough of that talk it's time to put on my teacher glasses and grab my ruler.

Things that make me crazy..er

So the hubby isn't the only thing in this house bipolar, I do believe the laptop is too.  Since it is the one I use to get to my blog my posts are inconsistant and scattered...okay more than usual anyway.  Feels good being right but the coffee did work.  The next day the scale started moving and has been everyday since.  It was either the coffee or my body figured if it didn't start dropping weight soon I would quit eating all together.  Two more days until our little Shits-everywhere-zu goes back to his owner.  I am not anti dog.  Quite the opposite I do think animals bring  a bit of happiness to the day.  Anyway I am wondering a lot of things today and most of them are "huh" kind of things but just gotta put it out there or I would not be me.  1st Why the hell does it seems like when I am driving somewhere and the speed limit is 45 or faster the car in front of me doing 35 is always something ridiculous like a Charger or some other type of car that is meant to be driven hard. I know those cars come equipped with a gas pedal and speedometer just like my car.  Why drive a car like that if you are not going to DRIVE a car like that.  Okay #2 Why do so many people on facebook post so many fatty buttery cholesterol laden recipes? I had to tell my mom earlier to quit looking at the sweets on facebook when she had a box of Krispy Kreme donuts on the counter.  #3 Why oh why do people shopping in stores give their children toys to hold and play with to keep them amused in the store when they have no intention of actually buying said toy for the child.  Really?  Because we all want to hear your child scream when you tell them no you are not buying that overpriced thing you used to distract them and let them get attached to.  #4 Not gonna ask why just gonna say NO to this one- flesh colored plus size leggings. There I said it NO.  I got them in at work today and although I consider it a bad thing I also am in retail and I am fully aware that when I return to work in two days I will probably have sold all of them.  Not even just plus size really.  Flesh colored leggings NO.  What else is bugging me? Oh yeah #5 people that take their little ones into the public restrooms and don't make it clear they should not be looking in the cracks or under the doors to the stalls.  I have raised three kids and not one of them EVER peeked in on someone when they were using the bathroom.  How do I know because I was right there with them.  #6 People that show up for job interview doing ANY of the following...wearing shorts,wearing ball cap, pants hanging down, wearing a pajama shirt or scrub shirt(not even for nursing position people),chewing gum,with their baby in tow,not turning their cell phone off, or NOT READY TO ACTUALLY ACCEPT A JOB, ask me how many people I have taken time out of my day to interview only to have them turn around and say they cannot work weekends or Fridays or before noon or after 5 P.M.  or all of the above.  I realize this may sound like I am somewhat frustated right now but surprisingly nah I am pretty relaxed.  The alien bracelet is working and I couldn't care less if it is a placebo or not.  As long as it works.  Tonight is a great night to sit outside in the summer heat.  The evening sky is cloudyand changing colors by the minute and the wind is kicking up a little.  I have to admit that as much as people complain about the Florida humidity making the heat worse I LOVE it.  That hot sweltering sticky heat. It is sultry and clingy and is something  you either love or hate.  Going to go now and enjoy some of that before night falls completely.

Today has been a surreal type of day nothing going the way I expect.  Not feeling the way I should about my surroundings.  I may be showing my age a little but for the last month in half I  have quit listening to regular radio stations in the car.  It was a gradual thing.  Each morning I got more and more frustrated with the lack of music that was tolerable and became increasingly disgusted with the banter between d.j.s on all of the stations.  Some more repulsive than others.  One morning I found the station that plays classical music.  No commercials.  No updates about what Miley or Taylor or anyone else I don't care about is doing.  Just music.  Like a soundtrack to my morning drive to work.  Then I started noticing another change.  A much more relaxed and level headed disposition at work.  The first couple hours of the day do tend to be the most stressful.  At first I thought it was the "alien bracelet" I am still wearing.  Maybe it is a combination of those two things and more.  An epiphany that I am not what or who I want to be.  Although I am happy with most aspects of my life there are things I feel need work.  Aren't all people really just a work in progress.  We should all walk around with big orange cones circling us at all times.  I sometimes think the minute you get it all together in your head and realize the "great truth" it's the last moment before we croak.  I do hate the word die.  It is so DA DA DAAA doom and darkness.  Yes it is death but still.  If I lose focus forgive me I chose tonight to restart my coffee addiction.  I had been abstaining from it but am now wondering if going from three or four cups a day to none may be a reason my metabolism is on strike.   And it is chocolate coffee to boot so yes I have had two cups already. Anyway a few days ago there was an incident at work.  Such a ridiculous thing but when you have four supervisors that work together and five employees to split between them there are going to be issues.  This time I had to make a choice between two incredible ladies who work their tails off and the one I didn't choose was hurt.  I felt bad when I was told she was crying (a lot) in the backroom.  I tried to explain my reasons for this she didn't want to hear it.  I felt horrible.  Then it occured to me this was a dramatic play for sympathy from someone who has done this before and if it had been male employees I was dealing with I don't think I would have had that issue at all.  Then I got really mad because it is behavior like that that keeps women back in the workplace.  It just reinforced all of those inaccurate stereotypes that women have been trying to hard to shatter.  Point is I had a little issue with my fellow supervisors and one in particular that I took a little too personally.  But thats it; it was work and I took it personally and let it bother me.  Fortunately I realized what was going on and smacked myself on the back of the head for it.  I wasn't crying over it but I did let it make me angry and that was just plain stupid.  Walking the line between being a person who cannot stand to see anybody hurt or sad or unhappy and being a person who says it's all weakness and if you gotta cry go do it in the bathroom and get it over with.  It's all so confusing sometimes.  Maybe the answer is to just find the joy in everything we do.  Find some beauty in every moment.  A smell or a color or a sound that brings some joy.  When it rains a lot and the sky is overcast the pool near my house turns a color of turquoise that brings me back to childhood.  Not sure why but that is the only place I see that particular color of blue and it is mesmerizing for the few seconds I am passing it.  As much as I want to stop and get closer to the water I have a feeling the color would change if I did.  Weird little things that bring us happiness. 

Pissed off zen

I am having one of those days that I feel I should be or I actually am pissed off but I am not really letting it all out.  No I am not holding it in I am just really peaceful today and not getting angry like I think I should.  It's all confusing and I am not sure how to feel now.  Started with this morning with two weeks of working my butt off eating healthy and exercising and not losing a pound.  I know how to shake off a plateau when it comes but I just started two weeks ago and not seeing any results. Frustrating.  It ends with getting a call from step daughter that my stepson her younger brother is in the custody of the county jail and will not be leaving for some time.  For the third time for this particular offense.  First time this happened I was freaking out worried so upset I cried nonstop.  Second time I was upset but a little angry.  Now I am just angry with him.  I love him so much but he is a grown man now and he makes his own choices.  I am angry for the way this affects my husband and younger son.  Especially the hubby though, he has been so much more positive lately and more like his old self I know this just crushes him.  That once again he cannot be there for our son when he needs him.  So yes I am a little weirded out by my not feeling the anger now.  Maybe this "alien bracelet I am wearing is finally doing what it is supposed to do.  Ooh big crack of thunder!  Not a big fan of storms here.  WHY do we keep having this debate over socks?!  EIGHT people live in this house.  SEVEN of them wear only white socks.  One of them wears anything but white socks. So every time we find a little rainbow colored sock in our laundry (about once a week) she claims they are not hers.  Come one I don't have to be Spock to deduce who they belong to.  This is a debate that just came up as I am sitting here and had to weigh in on.  I can see I am not getting anything done right now since I am being threatened that the movie I rented is about to start without me so I will have to conclude this later.  These people are FREAKIN nuts.

So it appears that my computer has decided to behave itself. My theory is it is becoming self aware and realized I would throw its three year old ass out and get a newer model if it didn't start working right.  And isn't that the first instinct of self awareness,self-preservation.  Now if only those threats would work on husband,son,...and all knuckleheads in general who do not listen.  Have the day off so obviously I went to my job but only to spend money on stuff I don't really need.  If I have to give the money to somebody might as well be the people who give it back to me every other week.  Feeling very lazy now and I don't like that.  It really is not in my nature and as nice as it is to have a season pass to Disney it is also still an hour drive there and I am thinking I will be going more when the weather lightens up a little.  I have had to put the jewelry making on hold too.  I found myself going through a mental block and even though I have more than enough supplies to make a couple of full collections I am lacking the inspiration to do it.  The last couple of necklaces I made were pure crap and I will be scrapping them as soon as I get around to it so at least I can use the materials for something worthwhile.  My family doesn't understand that even though making jewelry doesn't require the same creative process as when I used to paint it still calls for me to have a vision of what I am looking to create.  Hubby was watching a show a few days ago with a musician talking about a happy period in his life when creatively he sucked and it is true.  I think I am becoming more relaxed and content and there is not so much conflict anymore and it is hard to work with that.  Speaking of conflict had to drag my son from his youtube induced coma to make him do his school work.  Not really looking for that kind of conflict.  There is always the internal struggle with him growing older and more independent and in doing so I lose part of my identity as mom.  Yes I will always be mom but as women it becomes a huge part of who we are and it diminishes each year.  With each milestone our children reach we become a little less mom and a little more woman.  And when my older kids were small I dove headfirst into the mom role.  It was like a soft blanket I wrapped myself in knowing no matter what else in life I failed at that was the area I excelled.  So back to searching for my identity again.  Is it possible to be a good person and be happy.  If you make sacrifices for the people in your life that would not normally be the choices you would make then is it possible to be truely happy.  Is it better to be selfish and say screw yourself to others and look out for yourself but as I ask that I know the answer already.  I know wanting to have cake and eat it too but all that does is make you fat right.  Maybe there is more conflict in me than I thought. 

My computer is conspiring against me

There  is something soooo frustrating about a computer that won't allow you to type anything when there are so many things in your head you need to let out.  I realized the computer I have been using just hates me, I am okay with that.  Just have to use another one.  Today was my first day back to work after vacation and I must say I was very relaxed and in a good mood.  I even tried to spread some of the good vibes to my coworkers with very little success.  Maybe a part of it is it was Sunday so we have maybe half the staff of a weekday so I got to avoid all the talk about the latest headlines.  I live in Florida the Zimmerman trial was on tv everyday and it has been the center of many workday debates.  I don't talk religion, politics, or sensitive issues at work I just feel it is very inappropriate and unprofessional.  So the lack of chatter today was nice.  Also a shortage of upper management on hand so I get to do what needs to be done without much interference.  It is evening now and everyone is home and it seems like every television in the house is on some kind of reality hillbilly show.  Now my mother is originally from Arkansas and my father from Kentucky.  Watching this stuff on tv is like being at a family reunion.  I am not partaking.  Not that I am superior with my sci-fi preferences.  Yes I saw the Sharknado when it was on a few nights ago and was even texting my son trying to get him to watch it.  We all have our guilty pleasures.  Mine is B movies from the 1950's to late 60's but seeing a movie made today that had that same level of campiness is just brain candy.  Besides I have been exploring my social conscience more lately and it is bringing me down some.  I need a distraction after all the reading I am doing about our civil liberties being stripped away layer by layer.  My distrust of the government is growing and I am sad about that.  I have always  been optimistic/ naïve about the way things run and that rose colored tint is fading away.  Kind of like when you are a kid and realize santa isn't real.  The world just sucks a little more.  But enough negative stuff right now I am still in zen mode.   Am I a really horrible wife if I say I am having to adjust to my hubby being less medicated and more awake and energetic.  It's not all good you know.  He is having panic attacks and really low phases but they do pass eventually.  I got a full day of the silent treatment after going to Disney last weekend for the day.  He eventually admitted it was stupid and childish but still made the weekend only half good half bad.  I have to find him a real shrink I know that.  But I have also seen more of the old him that I fell in love with so many years ago and that is sublime.  As much as I want to sit in here and type more all I can hear in the room is the Wildman going  woowoowoowoo and if I have to hear it one more time I may cut the power to the whole house.  That isn't over the top is it.

Free Slurpee Day!!!

7-11 Oh how we love 7-11 around here.  There is one on every corner so with free slurpee day here my son has asked if we can go slurpee hunting.  Now I have no intention of drinking more than one sugar free concoction but I will allow a little summer indulgence.  Tonight it's going to be a new restaraunt with live bands(a genre I don't usually get into)and cajun creole food will try my something new there.  Have my appointment made to do the glass blowing so looking forward to it in a few days.  We have a houseguest until the end of the month and she has already been here about 3 weeks.  Looks like an ewok smells like a farm animal and sounds like a gremlin.  No not the mother in law my niece is dog sitting for a friend.  She is annoying and has peed in almost every room in spite of being trained and even threw up on my sons head one morning.  Never seen that look on his face or was so scared he would take a life as I was at that moment.  She's a beast.  But she tilts her head and looks at you with these big eyes and melts your heart.  Fortunately she goes back soon.  I have never been into little ankle biter dogs but she does get under your skin. 

Trying Something New

I made a vow to myself that this week I would try new things.  No specific category of things just something I have never done before.  Today that ended up using the electric buffer to wax my car.  Stupid right.  But it was actually fun.  My poor hubby has not learned yet that you do not detail your car in Florida in July unless maybe you had a septic truck spill over on it.  After 8 a.m. the humidity and sun are sucking the moisture from everything living.  So from 8 am until about 4pm we were detailing the car.  I say we very loosly since I was making constant trips back into the house to do other various chores(avoiding work) but I did help.  Also after owning a wagon for almost 14 years now this was the first time I have climbed into the back of it all the way.  New experience number two.  Now I don't feel guilty for all of these years of shooting hubby down whenever he suggested us going "parking" somewhere.  After laying on my back in that thing cleaning the ceiling for 30 minutes I know neither of us are in any kind of shape to try automobile acrobatic fooling around.  Watching the look on his face though when I was waxing the car made me realize he has no idea how physically hard I work sometimes and the type of equipment I use on my job.  He even told me he was surprised he was by how well I handled it.  Now my son had new experience also when this was the first time I let him go out with a friend from church who is older and picked him up in car and drove them.  One more little apron string cut.  So feeling like this was pretty productive day..not relaxing but oh well.  Not sure what to do tomorrow but I am thinking something a little more adventurous.  This whole being 40ish thing has finally become a good thing.  It took a little longer than I wanted it to but I am cool with it now.  Think I want to make glass.  It just now occured to me yes I want to make glass.  Have ALWAYS wanted to learn and I know there are places in the area to do it so why not.  This is why I blog.  Sometimes you have to put your thoughts out there and look at them to understand them better.  I am crazy happy right now but I must leave here to find out the when and where for tomorrow.  Will update on how it goes. 

Alien or Witch

Feels good to be in a routine again.  Even though I am a chaotic person by nature and thrive on clutter and confusion I also struggle with the inner neat freak I keep very tightly locked away.   All of my children can attest to the fact that most day trips started out with my saying,"Hey get in the car we are going somewhere!" And ended hours later with us stumbling upon something to do.  But as I get older I do see the value of making (and keeping) plans and a schedule.  My youngest is doing online summer school for what I think is the third year in a row.  Keeping him on a schedule no matter how loose is mandatory.  I am pushing for him to get as close to finishing as possible before I go back to work next week.  It is a little weird to admit but I enjoy helping him with some of the work.  U.S. History was a subject I was great at but as a 14 year old girl studying it it didn't really hold my attention as well.  Now I have that desire to learn everything.  So anyway about two weeks ago my sister and I are out at Sam's Club and they are selling those bracelets that are supposed to help with pain relief or curbing addition or whatever the issue may be.  My sister actually did the test where they had her stand on one leg and balance while the girl pushed her off balance then did it while she held the bracelet.  Yes we ended up buying four of them and split the cost.  Having just set a new weight loss goal for myself I bought the one that specifically works on weight loss and balancing hormones and promoting positive energies.  LOL I know it sounds hokey but my reasoning is even if it is a placebo effect then I will take it if it works.  It either works or I just think it does and thats causing the changes in my behavior either way I will take it.  There has been a slight side effect ever since I started wearing this thing and that is a lack of control over what comes out of my mouth oh and a little bit of an angry side.  I think the anger was coming from the fact my vacation was approaching and I was burnt out and out of patience with all the stupidity at work.  My husband has a different theory.  He thinks it is an alien technology in the bracelet and that when they come it will control my brain.  He said ever since I got it I have been a straight up BITCH to end all bitches.  I don't see it.  If anything I have been way more patient and good natured I think.  What has changed is that when someone does something I find wrong I call them out on it.  I think that is a good thing.   Now he calls it the alien bracelet.  Two nights ago he woke me up at 2:30 in the morning and asked me if I wanted to go out to eat pancakes.  I had been asleep approximately 2 hours when he woke me.  I am trying to lose weight and you are asking me to go eat pancakes at 2:30 a.m.? REALLY?  Needless to say I was a little grumpy.  Okay I was very grumpy and tired and whiney.  But after making it clear I would only have coffee I agreed.  It turned out to be a great night.  In my eyes the bracelet does work because if he had done this a month ago I would have probably stabbed him right there in bed.  With something dull people I wouldn't have killed him.  I am okay with the bitch label.  I grew up learning if they call you a bitch it's because you are telling them something they don't want to hear.  As long as you aren't mean or cruel or malevolent in your intentions or actions then let people say whatever.  Now it is a perfect sunny morning and the pool is closed here and my hubby in all his newfound energy is dragging out all of the cleaning equipment so we can detail our car.  It is much needed.  Since this seems to be the only way to get him out in the sun I am all for rolling up my sleeves and getting dirty.  It's not about what do we just that we are doing it together that counts. We all know that the aliens are taking over our brains with Candy Crush anyway not these bracelets...DUH

What day is it?

It has certainly been some time since I managed to log on here but I stayed away for a couple of good reasons, I think anyway.  One and most important I really felt that I had nothing to say of any significance.  Maybe I never did but anyone who feels that way shouldn't be reading this anyway.  And anybody who knows me in real life knows if I do not have anything to say worth sharing I just keep my yap shut and listen.  So I got quiet for a while.  There was also the stress of work and birthday season at home to slow things down.  Lastly, thanks to a certain candy crushing game online computer time has been a bitch to obtain.  Not that half the household doesn't also have ipads and iphones but they must use EVERY device they can.  But I,like the minions all over the television am back...back again.  Had to go there.  So since I took a hiatus we have had NSA leaks, gay marraige wins a huge battle, Zimmerman trial has started, Paula Deen has been branded with a scarlet R.  So much to talk about.  No I will not address any of these issues tonight because really everybody else is talking about this stuff I have nothing new to add except my own opinion.  I will say this.  Anyone who didn't already suspect that their "private" conversations and communications were being monitored by some type of government entity well you should have.  I am not saying it's right or should be done. BUT It really wasn't surprising at all.  With all of this advanced technology to make the world a better place you see us becoming a more Orwellian society.  As long as there are Snowdens out there pulling back the curtains there is hope.  that is all about that.  If I had written a few days ago I would have said the hubby is doing pretty good but that really is a roller coaster that speeds up a little each day.  Today and yesterday not as good as others.  No thanks to his new doc that cut his meds in half.  He has an appointment in September with another new doctor in September so we will just tough it out till then.  I was struggling with the age old issue of being with someone who has changed so much and so opposite from the man I fell in love with and even he has said I should leave him because our son and I would be better off without him.  And it is true that financially things would be WAY better.  The dark cloud would be lifted from over our heads on a  daily basis.  But there would be a hole where he should be.  He did not choose this illness and as I have said before I have to think of it as if he has cancer or something.  Depression, bi-polar,manic depressive they are diseases.  What kind of wife leaves her husband because he is sick.  Do I wonder what my life would be like as a single mom.  Maybe everyday.  And I admitted that to him which was hard.  But I also told him we fight this together and if I am not there to pick him up who will.  I am no martyr or saint.  This year will be our seventeenth year together how do you walk away from that. So that is all same as usual.  Also turning into a pattern is my gifted child is once again doing summer school classes.  We thought he had snuck in under the radar but no such luck.  My sister and I returned from a two day orlando stay with the kids(her birthday gift to me) to find the notice from the school.  So once again I am battling my youtube addicted child with daily school work.  In true bad mom form I am bribing him with doses of his favorite Mountain Dew version.  To balance it out I tricked him into eating fake chicken patties that were actually tofu and he likes them now so at least I got him to like one new healthy thing.  This is my vacation week and I am ready to try my gardening again.  The herbs I was growing and did manage to get lots of fresh rosemary and basil from before they were pronounced dead and given a proper burial will be replaced.  I am going to even grow some veggies.  I prefer to control what goes into my veggies.  This is day two of my vacation.  I think I will be getting in a lot of pool time this week but also made a goal to do four new things this week.  No idea what yet but I am working on it.  There are no good places anymore to go get a cup of coffee late at night anymore.  Used to love going to diners or cafes in my younger days and I would have a night off work.  Sit and read a book or take my sketch pad with me drink coffee and just observe.  I don't know where you can do that around here anymore. 

More Brain Soup Please

Yes I am tired and loopy and should know better than to write when loopy but I should know I lot of things I don't do now don't I.  Had a very weird day today.  Was moody and blah and quite frankly a little bit bitchy and a smart ass to my supervisor.  But he is working toward getting out of the apparel area and moving over to a recent opening in our store.  I know he wants it and hope he gets it but it means breaking in a new supervisor.  I liked this one he knows how to handle me when I am a smartass and he knows me well enough that when he tells me to do something I can just tell him no and it isn't a big deal he knows I will do it.  It's like starting a new relationship.  I'm too old for that crap.  Anyway went to my sons end of year concert at school and he was awesome but people are just freakin nuts there.  My mother, who went with me, has a bad knee so we had to sit at the bottom of the bleachers or should I call them ass destroyers because 5 minutes of sitting on these things and even my well cushioned tush was in agony.  Just behind us sat cuckoo puff number one.  When she sat down she put her hand on my back and used me to lower herself down onto the seat.  Okay it was very crowded and she was a bigger lady I ignored it.  Then about 10 minutes later I feel something or someone pulling on my hair.  Now I had about a half hour between getting home from work and leaving for this concert so even though I would have loved to fix my hair a little I still had my "work" ponytail in.  If I know I am going to be having a lot of meetings and such I will wear my hair down but most days I am working in an overstuffed stockroom and it is hot.  My hair is long and thick and requires a lot of work so it is ponytails for work.  And this woman behind me is playing with my ponytail.  I turned back to look and she commented on how soft and fluffy it looked and she couldn't help herself.  I heard her several times commenting she wanted to just grab it.  My mother is amazing at keeping a straight face but I can tell when she is laughing on the inside and she was.  Oh it was almost too much.  My eyes are drooping and the soup is kicking in so will finish whatever thoughts I am having later

I'm too old to start doing jello shots now

I admit I have never been able to handle my liquor very well.  In my younger single days my friends used to love warning my dates what a "cheap" date I would be because one or two good drinks and I am toast.  Now living at my sister's house nobody drinks here.  My father quit before I was born and according to the stories I am lucky to not have any memories of those days like her and my mother do.  If I buy an occasional corona to add to the shrimp and seafood boil when we cook seafood my son goes into full fledged detective mode making sure nobody drinks any.  So last night I went to a little get together at a friends house.  It was a girls party selling adult "toys" and such.  She and I share similar husband issues so we understand how important time away from the hubby is good.  So after the party was over and her family returned to the house I was about to leave when they asked me to stay and hang out,it was still pretty early.  Well even though she has a pretty good selection of adult beverages for this party it was just lemonade and tea and appetizers of course.  But since she was throwing a cookout today she had premade the jello shots and had them tucked away in the refridgerator.  After just the slightest of peer pressure( I am totally weak I admit it) I swallowed one. ONE LITTLE shot.  My first jello shot actually.  Approximately 3 minutes later I started to break out in a sweat and was feeling a little light headed.  REALLY?!  One freakin shot and I am buzzed.  Her and her husband thought it was a hoot I was such a lightweight I was a little embarrassed.  I refused a second thinking no way I could drive home in that condition.  All in all I had a very good time and no I did not drive home until a few hours later but it hit me this morning when I woke up feeling 20 years older than I am.  What happened to Saturday nights running all over town.  Going anywhere doing anything.  Staying up till 6 am then going to work at 11 am.  Then still going out when you leave work.  Do I really miss those days?  Was it all really that much fun?  I think as we get older we forget any of the negative feelings associated with an event and tend to glamorize it somewhat.  Yes I was in better shape and didn't have all these aches and pains and had my freedom.  And could blow most of my paycheck at the mall because there was no cell phone,internet,50 dollars to fill my car kind of bills.  But I do remember waiting by a phone for some guy to call when they usually don't.  Looking at couples thinking I wish I had that.  Going to bed alone some nights.  So the good old days might not have been THAT good.  They weren't bad though.  Now when I sneak a day in with just me and my guys I am always aware of how special that time is.  Not sure if given the choice of being twenty again I would take that.  For the record that jello shot,i found out later, was about 4 oz. of a couple of kinds of vodka.  And I hadn't eaten.  And...nah can't come up with any other excuses.

Pet Peeve

Let me first say my son was one of those hyper active buzzing around everywhere kids when he was little.  Some think he still is at 13 but he has definitely calmed down some.  When he was about two we lived 10 minutes from the beach so there was a time when I would load him in the stroller walk along the boardwalk and head out to the sand for us to enjoy the day.  During this time one thing I could not do for more than 30 seconds was let go of his hand because POW he made a beeline for the ocean.  No fear.  So no I didn't nap in the sand while he played, every second my eyes were on him.  No cell phone in tow.  No ereader or ianything.  Just time together.  So I TOTALLY understand having a child that if you turn your back on they are gone.  Now that being said... Last night on our Friday night grocery trip we came across a couple of women with three children with them.  A baby in a carrier in the front of the shopping cart.  An older girl about 6 riding in the large part of the cart.  Then the little boy about 4 or five.  With a leash on him.  Oh it was a kiddie leash not a dog one but still.  Both women on their phones everytime we passed them.  Neither of them acknowledging the children in front of them EXCEPT when the girl repeatedly yelled at the little boy to "STAY".  At that point one of the women put her phone down for a second and yelled at the girl, "He is not a dog you cannot train him quit acting stupid!" Wow I thought my sis and I were both going to lose it hearing that.  Seriously lady?  I understand the kids that bolt off in a parking lot...guess what...hold their hand.  I just have to say it to vent.  Get off your phone and give your child some attention.  Mom,mom,mom,mom,mom,mom,...how many times do they need to say it before you realize you have a child there.  Interact.  Engage.  Communicate.  People are idiots that is all there is to it.  No not all people of course just A LOT of them. 

If I Had Any Attention Span at All It Would Be VERY Short

Have had very weird random thoughts running through my head lately and fortunately they are running quickly.  I am guessing it is normal for a woman to have spontaneous thoughts of running away from home.  Especially one my age.  I have been a mom for 16 years now.  My youngest is a teenager.  My husband is...trying...yeah I will settle on that.  He has seriously been trying to be better lately. I have to give him credit for that.  We went out a couple of nights ago to movie and late night diner food.  Was even treated to an eardrum bursting rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody in the car(Wayne's World style) by my fellas. I cannot remember the last time we went out and there was not some form of drama and arguing.  It was almost a perfect evening.  Yet most evenings on my way home from work I hear a little voice telling me to keep driving.  Go to the beach.  Go up north.  Anywhere but home.  Not that I am unhappy.  Live in the moment and it's all good but there is something else I am meant to be doing.  Something real.  My eyelids drooping signal that some of these feelings are brought on by lack of sleep.  Okay a lot of them I'm sure.  Worked till 8 last night had to be back in by 7 this morning and now tomorrow I have to be in at 5am.  And it is Stanley Cup playoffs so the smell of testosterone is reeking up my room as my son is watching with my husband.  GO PENGUINS!!  To top it all off birthday season is here and the first of five birthdays that occur in the next four weeks was today.  Mine is in that mix too.  Maybe that is what I am wanting to run from.  Getting older.  Yuck! 

Good Morning

Sometimes to find peace,I think anyway, we need to unplug and walk away from the two billion invisible threads connecting us to the world.  No internet,no phone,no nothing.  Yes facebooking, blogging, even online gaming for some is a great outlet but it can also create more of the drama and pressure we are trying to escape from.  That is why I am so inconsistant with my blogging.  I don't use it as an outlet to connect to others but more of a way to put things out there I feel the need to but in a way I am comfortable with.  Inconsistancy is a long running theme in my life.  But I believe it is part of my genetic makeup so instead of fighting it(I do a little at times) I have made peace with that too and embrace it.  Yes I am in a very zen place this morning.  It is a breathtakingly beautiful day and I want to soak up every second of it an slow it down to make it last.  So last night I woke up to my husband watching Cloud Atlas.  He had already been watching about an hour and a half so the music the words were seeping into my dreams.  I had been anxious for him to watch it because the message of the story is something I have wholeheartedly believed since I was a little girl.  Not just reincarnation but that we are connected to the same souls through life and that although the bodies and locations and even the relationships change we are still drawn to these people.  And also that you do change your path with every act(good or bad) that you commit.  I jokingly keep telling him that we will keep coming back until we get it right so get it right dammit. So him watching the movie now he understands me a little more.  After 16 years it took a movie for that to happen but I guess it being spelled out for him helped.  There is a happiness I find in him understanding that now.  The way in which we met was a one in a million chance but when it happened we both understood that it was meant to be.  So he really cannot argue that with me now.  I have so much more stuck in my head to get out but was just given an invite to sushi cafe for lunch and that I am not turning down...so this will have to be continued at a later time.