Today has been a surreal type of day nothing going the way I expect.  Not feeling the way I should about my surroundings.  I may be showing my age a little but for the last month in half I  have quit listening to regular radio stations in the car.  It was a gradual thing.  Each morning I got more and more frustrated with the lack of music that was tolerable and became increasingly disgusted with the banter between d.j.s on all of the stations.  Some more repulsive than others.  One morning I found the station that plays classical music.  No commercials.  No updates about what Miley or Taylor or anyone else I don't care about is doing.  Just music.  Like a soundtrack to my morning drive to work.  Then I started noticing another change.  A much more relaxed and level headed disposition at work.  The first couple hours of the day do tend to be the most stressful.  At first I thought it was the "alien bracelet" I am still wearing.  Maybe it is a combination of those two things and more.  An epiphany that I am not what or who I want to be.  Although I am happy with most aspects of my life there are things I feel need work.  Aren't all people really just a work in progress.  We should all walk around with big orange cones circling us at all times.  I sometimes think the minute you get it all together in your head and realize the "great truth" it's the last moment before we croak.  I do hate the word die.  It is so DA DA DAAA doom and darkness.  Yes it is death but still.  If I lose focus forgive me I chose tonight to restart my coffee addiction.  I had been abstaining from it but am now wondering if going from three or four cups a day to none may be a reason my metabolism is on strike.   And it is chocolate coffee to boot so yes I have had two cups already. Anyway a few days ago there was an incident at work.  Such a ridiculous thing but when you have four supervisors that work together and five employees to split between them there are going to be issues.  This time I had to make a choice between two incredible ladies who work their tails off and the one I didn't choose was hurt.  I felt bad when I was told she was crying (a lot) in the backroom.  I tried to explain my reasons for this she didn't want to hear it.  I felt horrible.  Then it occured to me this was a dramatic play for sympathy from someone who has done this before and if it had been male employees I was dealing with I don't think I would have had that issue at all.  Then I got really mad because it is behavior like that that keeps women back in the workplace.  It just reinforced all of those inaccurate stereotypes that women have been trying to hard to shatter.  Point is I had a little issue with my fellow supervisors and one in particular that I took a little too personally.  But thats it; it was work and I took it personally and let it bother me.  Fortunately I realized what was going on and smacked myself on the back of the head for it.  I wasn't crying over it but I did let it make me angry and that was just plain stupid.  Walking the line between being a person who cannot stand to see anybody hurt or sad or unhappy and being a person who says it's all weakness and if you gotta cry go do it in the bathroom and get it over with.  It's all so confusing sometimes.  Maybe the answer is to just find the joy in everything we do.  Find some beauty in every moment.  A smell or a color or a sound that brings some joy.  When it rains a lot and the sky is overcast the pool near my house turns a color of turquoise that brings me back to childhood.  Not sure why but that is the only place I see that particular color of blue and it is mesmerizing for the few seconds I am passing it.  As much as I want to stop and get closer to the water I have a feeling the color would change if I did.  Weird little things that bring us happiness.