I am definitely living up to my Zengirl moniker today.  Not without hurdles but I shall clear them all.  Last night as I stood in the kitchen boiling the cabbage for tonights dinner my husband decides to tell me he needs a break.  More exact...WE need a break.  Okay I walk out of the room and ask my sister who has never made a cabbage roll in her life to watch the stove because something has come up.  The next hour is spent trying to understand where this is coming from.  The rest of the night is spent trying to accept the fact that we may be over.  In all honesty, and I have told him this in the past, he is my soulmate and my one great love but if we cease to be together I will be okay.  My main concern is our son.  My husbands family has a long scary history of mental illness and his own father was an abusive sob.  My husband struggled for years to be better for his children, and he was and is.  My stepkids did really get to see the best of their father.  The man I fell in love with.  My son knows a close version of that man but not quite the same.  I still believe that person is buried down inside and have been trying to find a way to let him out.  Last night he told me that man is dead and doesnt exist.  So he is planning on leaving for a bit but like I said I know if he goes odds are against him coming back.  It is all scary and my son already has his own host of emotional issues with having his father leave too. Not that he is really here when he's here but again we get glimpses of that person off and on.  Am I some kind of robot bitch for going through my workday as if nothing was wrong.  The panic and tears are under the surface but I am wonderful at keeping that stuff at bay.  Fifteen years and poof.  Guess I will be in denial until he actually gets on a plane and leaves.  Sitting here with my cup of coffee it is all surreal.  I guess if he had strayed or the love or passion had gone from our relationship it would be easier to understand but this is simply he is going through his own emotional turmoil and I can only do so much to ease that.  Funny how I was just saying I thought i was hitting my midlife crisis and now it is being thrust upon me.  Life goes on baby.

Well now that things are quieting down for the night I can really let it all out.  How hard to do fight for someone who doesnt want to be saved.  When you love someone can you really just let go knowing if you let that person walk away they will give up on everything once and for all.  How many times has my husband told me I am the only thing keeping his head above water...now I am not even doing that.  And I know there is a part of him that will just be happier away from this house and some of the people  here.  I dont blame him for that.  Am I really so cold I can let him walk away.  I already told him if he leaves I have a feeling he wont see our son again.  Sounds melodramatic but true.  Fifteen years can i just let it end like that.  So many tears tonight so many emotions and I can tell he is getting into leaving mode because he is cutting everyone off...including me. 

Another fantastic Saturday home with the kin.  Naaaa not so much but i have had worse days.  Not a lot of privacy today,i expect that on weekend.  Funny enough now that hubby is back to taking his meds normal we are not really speaking to each other right now.  Not a big deal we tend to run hot and cold with each other and if both of us are running cold at the same time its pretty nice.  It is when one is hot the other cold it becomes an issue.  I have been making healthy food for my sis and me all week and now making cabbage rolls for tomorrow nights dinner for everyone since I am the only one in house who actually enjoys cooking.  Took Morrocan meatballs in to work yesterday for a potluck everyone seemed to like it.  I swear I actually heard a tick tock noise this morning I think was a clock ticking down to my fortieth birthday.  I now get the middle age crazy syndrome you hear about in men because I am feeling that everyday a little stronger now.  I am guessing it is normal and will pass.  Hopefully without my doing something drastic or stupid.  I remember when I was 18 and crazy in love with a man somewhat older than myself(38) and him telling me women really hit their stride in their 30's but I think he was wrong I think it was 40.  Funny to think he would be 60 this year.  Not sure I am that much into older men now.  Already have a 45 year old hubby who acts like he is 100.  It is all about attitude though. 

Tomorrow morning I am thrust back into the gladiator arena that I call a job. Uuggggg.  There are many levels of management at the company I work for and I am on the bottom rung of the management ladder.  I have come to the conclusion that the only way to stay a member of the management team is to scratch and claw your way upward as fast as you can BEFORE they realize you are not as good as you are making them think you are.  I have seen one manager after another step down from their positions because they were not able to meet the expectations of our higher ups.  You are only as good as your team and without a solid team to work with most of us falter.  I am conflicted about my current position.  I have already been told I should be looking to move upward and I have never been someone to turn down more money but (Big BUT) Right now I actually maintain some creative control over my departments and the artist in me finds a small amount of pleasure in the merchandising part of my job.  Moving upward means giving up that freedom and becoming more of a clipboard carrying pain in the ass.  The hippy part of me that hasnt been squashed is screaming Sell Out!!! dont do it!  Yes I know I am too young to be an actual hippy but as my son keeps reminding me I am too much about peace and harmony and good energy.  Funny when my husband and I met we both were happy with him working and my staying home to care for the kids.  Now the tables are turned only he doesnt do the stay at home parent like I did.  Other family members do the driving to and from school and cooking and cleaning.  Now I am the breadwinner and I have to say at times it SUCKS.  Only rarely.  But I dont want to become one of those women who its all about work.  Oh I really dont know anything anymore.  just avoiding sleep and trying to make sense of everything swimming around in my head.  Sometimes wonder is the right person is being medicated here.  Funny since I wont even take an aspirin and I am married to a man who has never gone a day without taking meds.Yin and Yang.  Every now and then he will ask me if I would be better off without him and my first reaction and response is always no way but being 100 percent honest there are times I wonder what my life would be like not taking care of him too.  We are so completely opposite sometimes we seem ridiculous.  But it works too.  Chris Rock said you have to love the crust of a man not just the good parts but what happens when crust is almost all that is left.  Time for me to get off of here and go fight for the remote control and this battle I WILL WIN at least.  He gives me the little battles.  Nite all

Nothing like a little peace and quiet in the middle of the day to reflect.  Had one of those serious talks in the car this morning with my son on the way to school.  He usually waits till we are about five minutes from the school to start a deep discussion but this time as we sat at a redlight I could tell something was bothering him.  He said it bothered him that he felt he had been doing really good things lately and it was not being acknowledged.  These are the talks I dread but I know everytime we have then he is one step closer to becoming an adult.  First I asked if he felt I had not acknowledged his acts lately and he said I had but of course I am MOM and thats what we do.  Then I reminded him that unfortunately in life some people do good all the time and it never gets recognized.  That we do good things or excel in some areas of our life because we want that inner fulfillment not for praise.  Praise is nice and yes it is human nature to want to be praised or complimented for our actions but in the end we have to be content with us knowing we have done well.  All mom answers and not what he wanted to hear but he does understand.  As a parent I get torn between praising my son and helping to raise him self esteem but also toughening him up to the realities that face him in adult life.  I give everything I have to my job when I am working and not only do I get my work done by the deadlines I face but I am asked to help my coworkers who struggle to meet deadlines.  On an almost daily basis I am working in someone elses department taking me away from my own and there is no pat on the back at the end of the day.  But I do it because it needs to be done.  So the harshness of life shows itself a little more each day to my little guy (he would kill me if he knew I still refer to him as that) and all I can do is be there to give advise if needed or just lend an ear.  My stepchildren were 5 and 7 when they came into my life and their parents had already been split for several years.  They had not only been witness to the breakup of their parents marraige but their mothers following relationship as well and by the time I met them they were already fully aware that life held no guarantees or promises.  It is what it is.  I have always liked the comparison in the movie Parenthood to a roller coaster.  Up and down,up and down,scary as hell one minute but when its over you want more.  If you can have a good laugh have it.  Ending this on a more comic note(adult content here) as my young man was getting ready for school and I was going through the morning ritual of telling him every five minutes what he should be doing he erupted from the bathroom and announced, Mom, I was taking a wiz ( he loves his colorful expressions). Then as I apologized for rushing him he said You don't want me to jiz in my pants do you.  Needless to say I stopped cold in my tracks and said Huh?  He repeated the sentence.  Trying not to be too freaked out by hearing that from my son I opened my bedroom door and guided him in to where my husband was sitting on the bed,looked at my husband and said PLEASE explain the difference between the word wiz and jiz...and then quickly walked out of the room before I heard my son yelling EEEwwwww from behind the door.  I am confident I will not be hearing that word from his mouth again.  Oh the joys of raising a son. 

Xanax night

This is the most wonderful time of night in this house when most occupants are nestled in their beds and the ones that are still awake are watching tv so it isnt so quiet you hear every sound made.  It is also one of the most dreaded nights when hubbies medications run out before they can be refilled tomorrow.  Now if I could i would knock him on the head with a giant hammer so he would sleep till tomorrow but alas this isnt loony toon land sooooooo I get to spend the evening dealing with the mood swings and jumpyness and overall crazy.  Crazy is not a four letter word with us.  He actually uses it more than i do.  I find myself asking if I had known fifteen years ago what I know now about depression and mental illness would I have still made that till death do us part leap.  I remember being a little girl asking to find my soulmate to love who would love me in return I forgot to say make him perfect right.  Then of course if I change the path I chose I would not have my son and I would have never had the honor of raising two incredible human beings who sometimes slip and call me mom. And really anybody can say forever... or until things get tough, but for me it seems like the tough stuff is the real stuff.  Its easy loving somebody when they are at their best but doesnt it mean more when you have seen each other at your worst and can say I am not turning my back on you lean on me.  Ohhh im bordering on mushy here better back that up.  Changing gears evening workout at park was good enough and ended comically when my sister and I returned to her car and there was a note left on her dash informing her she was a moron because of her failure to park in the lines.  I told her I now have it in writing that she IS the moron not me. Hahaha.  Almost 11pm and people are starting to come out of rooms what is wrong with everyone here?  I dont sleep thats a given but the rest of them should be out by now.  Just read the article about mad cow disease being found in a cow in US which is making me feel so much better about all the fish and chicken I have been consuming. Gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about it.  Oh I love my job but love being allowed to sleep till seven a.m. even more.  I hear my son laughing hysterically at something in his room which tells me it's time to peek in and threaten to turn off the adult swim.

No privacy No problem

Ironically Zengirl is having a hard time holding on to that zen feeling right now as I start this post.  Still feeling the post exercise high from this morning but its fading fast.  I am off of work for two days and home with the three who never leave.  Thats fine I get others are in this space too but I LOVE my privacy.  After dropping son off at school I stopped by my storage unit to look for a few things and it occured to me if I weren't so freaked out by spiders I would clear out a space and hang out there in my big cozy chair I miss curling up in.  The quiet was heavenly the sunlight and cool breeze refreshing.  Husband is starting to drift into sleep mode after being up all night "working" Yeah I did the quotation thing.  It makes him feel better though and not so much like he is cooped up in a cave.  But spending time in a dark bedroom not my idea of enjoying the best weather we have had in ages.  One more person in the door.  One more person making noises that make me cringe and so it is time to clean my sons room.  I am going to actually write more when not feeling like I am being overrun here.  Is that possible?