No Such Thing As A Day Off

I have concluded that I am not allowed to just stay home for one day and relax and I think now that I have acknowledged that things will run a little smoother.  Last night was up till about 1 am talking to hubby. We have not really had a conversation in non-text form since he arrived in Pittsburgh Saturday.  As we talked our son was in my room with me. We had been playing Rockband on the xbox and once he wore me out talked me into letting him watch old Christopher Lee Dracula on dvd also in my room.  So needless to say he crashed in my bed listening to his father and me exchange I miss yous.  What he also did was leave his bedroom door open, during a thunderstorm,with one very scared dog in the house.  So when he went into his room to get a clean change of clothes I should not have been surprised when he yelled ,"MOM THE DOG PEEED IN MY ROOM!!!" Did I mention he has hardwood floors in his room and had about four of his six video game systems on the floor in the floodzone.  I didn't realize the dog had a ten gallon bladder.  Six towels,half a bottle of Simple Green, half a roll of paper towels, and eight washclothes later his room is cleaner than it has been in months.  I have never felt so ICKY.  So tomorrow I return to work happy to face any non urine messes ahead of me.  Rockband was great though because I can rekindle my childhood dream of playing drums and my son still only 12 astounds me with how well schooled he is in classic rock.  I get to surprise him with how well I know Lady Gaga's lyrics.  Yes I miss my husband completely but the time I get with my son not feeling like I am being pulled between the two is wonderful. 

Mourning and closure

Sorry if I ramble a little(even though I pretty much ramble all the time) but have been up since 4 a.m. this morning spending the morning taking my husband to the airport for him to fly back home to PA.  His father passed away this week and the last few days have been a blur of phone calls and emails sent and internet searches to make sure everyone who should know does know.  I am grateful that I work for a company that gives me paid time off for this but also offered to send flowers to the service.  No need since at my father-in-law's request there will be no viewing or funeral or service.  My husband will get the honor of bringing his ashes back and scattering them in the gulf since we are the only family that lives anywhere near the gulf.  I am realizing I have to make my peace with a man I really only met once but he has left his mark on my husband in ways that I have not been able to forgive up to now.  My husband made peace with him about a year ago when he last went to visit and even though not everything was said that needed to be it was good for both of them.  Well as I explained to my hubby one night he can and should forgive his father for the emotional and physical scars he carries as a reminder of his childhood but have no fond memories of the man and feel no obligation to forgive.  That I am the nurse still trying to heal his wounds after all of these years.  I have had to hear the fear in my husbands voice when he has nightmares about things related to his childhood. Worst of all I have seen the toll it has taken on the man I love trying to break away from the shadow of his father.  Watching him struggle to be a good father and husband even when he hasn't been sure of how to do that.  Now he is gone.  He died alone and he wanted no ceremony when he was gone...probably the most unselfish decision he made.  I now have to focus on the good memories my husband has shared with me about this man.  I have to remember that from what I understand he was once an innocent child growing up with a sadistic abusive father himself and he was trained to be what he turned into.  I have to be thankful that unlike so many of the males in his family my husband chose to turn away from the life of drugs,drinking,and ending up in jail usually for violent offences.  Even though he is not always the husband I thought I would be with;we are not the couple I envisioned being a part of, what we do have is special and magical and unbreakable.  It is not always easy and I recently stated to him the only thing that could ever break us apart is him giving up.  When we told each other for better or worse we really meant it wasnt for better or if things don't get too tough.  Some of our happiest memories as a family are when we were struggling the hardest with obstacles,that is when I thrive he says.  So today I put on my big girl panties and grow up a little bit more.  I forgive.  My husband is staying with his aunt and uncle that were truly surrogate parents to him as he got older and I know at their home he will find security and love and he will be free to discuss the past with others who were there and maybe have a different perspective on things.  One of his brothers is in jail and the other is living in the same run down neighborhood they grew up in working when he can.  I am hoping he comes home with an appreciation of how far he really has come in life. 

Say no to Elitist Crap

 Let me start out by saying I hope everyone had a good and safe 4th of July last week.  I would like to say it was memorable but really it was just relaxing.  Due to monetary restrictions(I'm broke) we decided not to be that house that lights up the whole neighborhood with their own fireworks display. That much better since I spend every year worrying that although my son is very closely supervised by my husband they are gonna blows themselves to bits.  And the local reports of people getting hit by random gunfire while they were at public displays with their families only confirmed my feelings I made the right move in us staying home that night.  Do people really not realize when they fire a gun into the air that bullet is going to come down somewhere on someone maybe.  Or they just don't care.  Anyway I have to vent today about something small and stupid but it is really bugging the crap out of me.  Yes the southern in me is gonna come out here.  Let me start by saying I grew up watching Oprah on t.v. I remember watching her first shows back when I would watch Phil Donohue with my mother on days I wasn't in school.  I always loved Oprah and of all the talk shows that came and went hers was the one I looked forward to.  UNTIL I remember distinctly one episode that changed all that.  At the time I was a stay at home mom with three kids at home and a husband working his butt off to provide for us. We were renting a nice home but it was a stretch on one income.  We decided it was better to live frugally in a nice neighborhood where our kids could go to good schools than to live in a neighborhood we had to keep the kids inside and doors locked at all times but we could afford more stuff.  So in those days I watched a lot of HGTV and other such shows learning how to decorate and cook things from scratch.  I still wanted our home to look nice and be something that was visually pleasing.  So this episode of Oprah that really is the one that alienated me they were doing a decorating makeover in someones home and she stated that the "fake flowers" had to go.  No fake flowers no artificial plants REAL flowers were the only ones she had in her homes.  I looked over at the vase of tulips(my favorite flower) sitting by the window and was personally hurt by this.  Who was she to say my flowers werent good enough.  They made me smile everytime I looked at them.  It was at that moment I felt like I had been brainwashed for years and suddenly SNAP someone slapped me and I came to my senses.  I had been listening to people like her for years tell me I needed this or that for my home or myself.  I had to have this jacket in the fall to be stylish or that pair of shoes or this kind of furniture or whatever.  It is Keeping Up With The Jonses magnified by the media.  I eventually made my peace with Oprah; coming to the conclusion that her vast wealth over the years had her living a lifestyle far away from working class reality and that wasn't her fault.  No matter what your roots are living a life of luxury and privilage long enough will eventually twists your point of view on working class life.  But my current beef is not with miss Oprah but it seems the new offender is Gwenyth Paltrow. Again let me say I am a fan of her work.  BUT now there is the hoopla over her declaration that her 90 dollar plain white tee is the t-shirt to have this summer.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?  The cherry on top of this WTF sundae is the shirt only comes in sizes 0-8. LOL  I have an idea if you have 90 to throw away on a t-shirt go to Walmart and buy a 6 dollar tee (sizes 1 to 30) and donate the other 84 dollars to a charity of your choice.  90 dollars will help fill the shelves of a food bank pantry or buy school supplies for a few kids who might not be able to get them this year. What makes me angry about it really is there are those young girls out there that will feel like they are not right unless they have those things that celebrities tell them they need.  We as a nation need to STOP this fascination with STUFF. Newest stuff ,coolest stuff,most pretentious stuff. Use our money to pay off our debts,help our neighbors, do something worthwhile. 

So summer is officially here and I know this because yesterday I noticed the craft store I was in already had their fall foilage and Christmas ornaments on the shelves. One aisle over from the tiki torches and flower leis.  Having been working in retail for quite some time now I am almost ashamed to say I enjoyed a game of hide and seek with my 12 year old while in the craft store.  I blame him entirely when he wanted to look around by himself while my sister and I shopped then proceded to call my sisters phone from mine and announce,"The game is afoot." He even managed to hide from me for about a half hour until he got a little full of himself and decided to call and taunt me as I hunted for him.  Inadvertantly giving clues to his location while doing so.  But in this summer heat we need to just be kids sometimes.  I think after being "boss lady" all day I am enjoying being a kid once I get home.  A few days ago I ventured out to the mall with the same 12 year old but this time I followed protocol letting him go to the used game store to look around and play the games they have connected in the store while I shop the department stores and give him time and space without his mother hovering.  I will add always with cell phone in hand and after a quick reminder of safety.  I am expected to give him a good 20 to thirty minutes of being on his own before I arrive at the game store.  This particular day we entered the mall through a different entrance than usual and I decided to "window shop" in this store for a change.  It's a little more upscale than I usually shop but I figured why not.  OMG I have never seen so many pinched and plumped and plucked faces looking sooooo miserably unhappy I couldn't help but think of the phrase MONEY DOESNT BUY HAPPINESS.  They were definitely the proof.  Women with perfect hair and nails and clothes, some dragging along children with perfect hair and clothes and looking like every bit of joy in life had been sucked from their souls.  I know sometimes shopping at mall with kids can be a little taxing and if you are not in the mood a real pain in the tush.  This was like all the stepford wives were on bitch meds and their faces all glared like angry birds.  Here I was with a whopping 20 dollars in the bank and a week till payday,chipped nails, hair in a scrunchie ponytail, favorite croc flip flops on, happy to be out with my son wondering what the day would hold for us.  BIG PICTURE people...we are only on this rock so many days then its off to another adventure or maybe to nothing at all but isn't that all the more reason to suck up as much joy out of this life as we can.  There is so much good stuff out there we just have to look. Remember  The Game is Afoot.